Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 Announced as Keynote Speaker on Topics in Economics

DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester.

“Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell community,” wrote Pollack. “His Darkness has provided the University with many opportunities to be grateful for.” Some of the topics teased in Pollack’s email include “How to Commit Tax Evasion,” and “Exploiting Workers: From Avoiding Worker’s Compensation to Threatening a Fiery Eternity.”

Students across campus are surprised at the news, yet in consensus that they should have foreseen the announcement, as many faculty are tightly connected to the Devil.

Benson Patterson ‘24 described the clues that he failed to acknowledge earlier this semester. “The professor of my Business Management and Organization class always had zoom backgrounds of fiery scapes, but I now realize that they weren’t zoom backgrounds at all, but that he is actually sitting pretty in Hell. Ugh, I can’t believe I trusted him when he said the screams that always interrupt the lecture were his dogs, because they’ve been the shrieks of tortured souls condemned to eternal damnation this whole time!”

As of press time, Dyson students had also received correspondence from interim Dean Edward McLaughlin, urging students to rejoice at Satan’s impending arrival. “Long have the scholars and followers of the infernal Chief Executive Officer and His Hellish Scripture awaited His return. The holy world will soon crumble and tremble in agony, and we, the Noble, will be bathed in His scorching knowledge of business and marketing with smiles on our faces and our hearts in His flesh!” (Translated from Latin).

Single AEM Major Just Wants Someone to Network With

WARREN HALL — After having recently gone through a tough breakup, AEM major and recent bachelor Kenneth Archer has stated that all he is looking for in life is someone special to network with.

“I don’t deal well with being lonely, and not having a partner in life that I can share business connections with is going to be tough,” said Archer, who, after the past year and a half long steady relationship with fellow management major Julie Edwards, felt that he had lost someone very valuable to his future career.

“I’m a little sad we had to break up,” commented Archer’s ex, “but if things were destined to work out with him, we would have had plenty more stock options by now than when we first started dating, and he would have committed to going IPO together. It wasn’t meant to be.”

Perhaps things will work out better after Archer graduates, when he will finally meet that perfect person with whom to start a family-owned nationwide retail company.