Professor Refuses To Release Class On Time Despite Swarms Of Frogs, Locusts

KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions.

“He just kept talking about this ‘really good YouTube video’ that he needed to show,” recalled Sam Levi ‘25, brushing locust limbs off his pant leg. “This thing was six minutes long and I couldn’t hear a word of it between all the croaking and buzzing. Professor Farrow just kept grinning at the screen and saying ‘That’s a really great point.’”

As the locusts began to crawl up Farrow’s tweed jacket, he proclaimed that “the frogs will probably eat the locusts,” and proceeded to the subsequent slide of his PowerPoint presentation. When Farrow’s lecture was momentarily delayed by a torrent of hail falling from the ceiling vent, he promptly sidestepped the new hazard and continued his explanation of the kinesin processive motor.

“I haven’t been on time to my next class once this semester,” said Hannah Lais ‘24. “When the frogs started coming out from under the seats, I was hopeful we might finally get out of here. I don’t think Professor Farrow even noticed, he was too busy trying to see if anyone wanted to ask him a question. No one ever asks any questions. The locusts were useless too, he just kept explaining how the current slide was ‘super critical for the next exam.’ I don’t think he knows how to read a clock.”

The students’ confinement came to an end after all the lights in the room suddenly went out, leaving the auditorium in total darkness and permitting the captives to flee. Professor Farrow then proceeded to present an additional ten lecture slides before graciously dismissing the empty classroom.

Entomology Voted Ickiest Major

COMSTOCK HALL—Citing that the study of insects is a field generally considered to be “slimy,” “oh jeez, so gross,” and “no no no take that thing away from me,” the deans of every Cornell academic college released a report today indicating they had unanimously voted upon entomology to be the ickiest undergraduate major.

“We recognize the importance of studying this undervalued field of biology, but my goodness, it’s just so yucky, you know?” said CALS Dean of Students Kathryn J. Boor about the vote, who earlier in the day had gotten the shivers watching a spooky centipede slink along the sidewalk like a tiny, skeevy alien.

Intro Entomology TA Juliana Lopez agreed. “I’m super on board with drawing connections between aspects of the natural world unseen by the naked eye, but oh my good god my backpack’s just full of insects! The bugs are everywhere and somehow it’s even ickier when they’re dead!”

Boor went on to praise the students who had decided to enter the nastiest major offered, and made it clear that the entomology students she met were “much different than the bunch of weirdos I was expecting.”