Tag: christmas

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CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. 

“As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been down in the dumps,” noted a spokesperson for CUPD. “Our new tickets are meant to remind people of the holiday spirit and bring a smile to their faces. When you get a ticket, we’re not just reminding you of your legal trouble. We’re also saying happy holidays!” 

Multiple versions of the tickets will be rolled out, unique to the offense. Overtime meter tickets will be emblazoned with popular character Frosty the Snowman. Double parking tickets now feature two reindeer pulling a Santa’s sleigh. Most festive of all are the prohibited area tickets, which are shaped like Christmas trees. 

“At first the $180 worth of tickets I had amassed made me want to break down in tears,” commented student Jerome Hyunh ‘22. “When I saw the sticker ornaments and glitter garlands on my Christmas tree ticket, though, it reminded me there’s more to life than the overwhelming despair I felt at the prospect of having to pay rent late for such a minor mishap!” 

Plans are currently underway to replace the typical siren emitted by CUPD cars with an infinite loop of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” throughout the holiday season.

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OP-ED: I Refuse to Buy Coffee On Campus Unless There’s A Full Nativity Scene on My Cup

The change in weather and endless Jingle Bells on the radio can mean only one thing: Christmas is coming! That’s right, the best time of the year is here again. Get ready for some family fun, exchanging gifts, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.

But along with the most wonderful time of the year comes the incessant calls from the left to dampen the true Christmas spirit. First, it started with forcing us all to say the “inclusive” Happy Holidays, and then evolved into banning Christmas trees in schools and workplaces.

Unfortunately, this war on Christmas has found its way onto our campus through the “holiday” themed cups circulating in all our major cafes. These red cups completely ignore the birth of our lord and savior.

How am I supposed to properly celebrate Christmas without even the slightest description of Virgin Mary’s immaculate conception? The fact that Cornell’s cafes have chosen to completely ignore God’s holy delivery of our salvation through his final messenger shows this university’s spineless appeasement to the “political correctness” of today’s youth. They didn’t even have the gumption to include the manger that cradled our messiah as he took his first breaths, instead opting for generic white snowflake patterns.

I for one have decided to boycott all the cafes on campus until they use cups that depict the scene of Christ’s birth in its entirety. And I’m not talking just your plain baby, I’m talking about the whole shebang: Mary, Joseph, a barn, shepherds, and a ton of donkeys and sheep. And you better believe that there would be angels descending from right below the “Caution: Hot Beverage” warning to look on as the only perfect being sent to forgive all of our sins first opened his eyes to his kingdom. Only then would I be able to enjoy my coffee knowing it truly represents the real meaning of the holiday season.