Student Who Bleeds Big Red Sadly Returns Latest Nike Shoes

Philadelphia, PA—Following President Martha Pollack’s decision to terminate Cornell’s licensing relationship with Nike, Big Red superfan Matthew Walker ’19 sadly returned his recently purchased Nike flyknit shoes.

“It’s hard to give up the freshest, most form-fitting shoes I’ve ever worn,” Walker admitted dejectedly, “but as a Cornellian through and through, I must do my part to stand in solidarity with my school, even if that means great sacrifice.”

Continuing his effort to embody the values of his university, the ultra-devoted student burned more than 500 dollars’ worth of Cornell Nike gear from his closet, including the beloved quarter zip he wore to every hockey game last year.

“It must be done,” said Walker as he sorrowfully but unhesitatingly downloaded his return label on “Cornell has spoken against global injustices and stood up for fair labor by cutting ties, so it’s time for me to terminate my relationship with the brand too.”

Walker was seen distressfully clutching his remaining Cornell apparel as the UPS truck drove away with his prized sneakers, comforted only by his commitment to his school’s commitment.

Administration Releases Evidence that Qatar Workers Are “Yeah – What? Oh No Yeah They’re Fine.”

DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.”

Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the discharge and deportation of migrant workers who seek to exercise their basic rights in Qatar has been met by administrative responses such as “Stop, we’re so sure, whatever” “Seriously guys, leave us alone” and “;).”

“Good enough for me! I’ll take that to mean wages are high and living conditions are great over there, nothing to worry about,” said protester Michael Doyle ‘16, who had been demanding an investigation of Cornell’s labor practices at the Middle Eastern campus for months before the statement was released. “And apparently, in addition to no employee problems whatsoever, there are beaches in Qatar – spring break anyone?”

Further questioning on Cornell’s use of the infamous kafala system of labor in their recruiting practices revealed “it’s cool, an ILR professor mentioned that and I think he said it was okay.”