“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming in law enforcement–were bound to happen.

Although the cop in question did not have a bright green band required for entry into the party, he named Michael, Jackson, and Alex, all of whom he claimed to have “done some favors for” in the past.

“How was I supposed to know that he was an actual cop?” Anders said. “It’s pretty easy to get a cop costume online, and not much harder to get a pistol in most states.”

It was not until the sophomore watched the police officer turn off his body cam and bodyslam a teenager to the ground that he realized maybe the Taser was more than just a prop. Soon after, the officer began to hurl tear gas canisters into the crowd of partiers.

“Hey, why is that guy in the cop costume using tear gas on those people?” Anders recalls shouting. “As much as I can applaud getting into character for a costume, is that really necessary?”

The party was promptly shut down once the officer called for backup. Fortunately, however, the situation is being resolved via an internal investigation and the acting officer has been put on paid leave for the remainder of the week.

To Increase Trust With Students, CUPD Will Now Snapchat Every Arrest It Makes

DAY HALL — Following increased calls for transparency, CUPD has decided that in addition to using body cameras, it will Snapchat every arrest it makes in an attempt to gain the trust of the Cornell community.

Under the handle “coolcopz”, Cornell’s finest will keep their Snapstory updated with a constant feed of misdemeanors and faceswaps with felons. “But we understand that gets a little heavy, so we’ll add cute snaps of our drug dog, too,” promised Officer Greg Linder.

“Snapchat would allow us to send shaky ten-second videos of criminals in action with a geotag,” said Chief Kathy Zoner, explaining that this could help CUPD connect with students in a familiar and relatable way.

“By sending mass snaps, we’re building a relationship with the student body that allows for greater accountability,” said a confident officer before choosing the flower crown filter, pursing his lips into a “duck-like” formation, and submitting his selfie to the Ivy League Snap Story.