Application Discrimination Against Students With Depression Finally Explains Cornell’s Notoriously Good Mental Health

THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety.

“Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve never been able to provide a satisfactory explanation—the previous best idea I’d had was the decent hockey team,” said Ramona Ortiz ‘22. “Now I know that all it takes to keep everyone bright-eyed and bushy-tailed is turning away any applicants who are open about their struggles with mental health!”

Cornell, widely considered a joyous and healthy university with no need for novel safety measures specifically designed to mitigate mental health breakdowns, has denied allegations of discrimination. Instead, the school has suggested its bevy of mental health resources are responsible for its positive national reputation vis-à-vis student wellbeing.

“While we cannot speak to the specifics of our admissions processes, Cornell’s psychiatrists—yes, that’s definitely plural—are committed to assisting the student body through any challenges they may face,” said President Martha Pollack in a prepared statement. “Cornell’s mental health care network, in which students always feel their needs have been met and complaints of unreasonable wait times are few and far between, is our crowning achievement in reducing depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues on campus. What other rationale could there be for the university’s low incidences of burn-out and despair?”

At press time, President Pollack suggested perhaps Ithaca’s warm and inviting climate could also contribute to Cornelians’ cheeriness.

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish.

“I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said Riley Greenwood ‘22. “I was promised an Ivy League education, but these are high-school level slurs. And since the class is over Zoom, he couldn’t even shove me into a locker afterwards. They’re charging me full tuition for this?”

While many students echoed Greenwood’s dismay, Professor Ostgarden has seen a rally of support from the men-who-wear-suits-to-class community.

“I came to Cornell because of its strong academic tradition, and I believe this morning validated my choice,” said Charles Highlock ‘22. “Where else could I find someone who’s still fighting the good fight against the Irish? While I don’t agree with calling them ‘miserable little potato bugs,’ you have to admit, the whole ‘Irish potato famine’ thing is pretty suspicious. He’s just asking the hard questions.” 

At press time, Cornell administration promised to “denounce hatred in all forms” and “reaffirm their commitment to marginalized communities” by drawing a frowny face on Ostgarden’s next exorbitant paycheck.