Transferable Skills Not Transferable, Not Skills

NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. 

“As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky moral foundation that I needed for a career in finance, but I was still missing some important hard skills.” said Chan, who now works as an equity trader at Morgan Stanley. “Apparently my background in Hegelianism isn’t ‘useful for making spreadsheets’ and I would have been better off taking the time to learn basic arithmetic at some point during my undergraduate studies.” 

Chan was not alone in his situation, as other alumni were also making the horrifying discoveries that much of what they learned in college was completely useless in their jobs. Among those alumni include Serena Janssen ‘21, who recently discovered that her fluency in Ancient Greek and Latin did not correlate with an aptitude for her new job as a Public Relations associate at BlackRock.

“Despite what I told recruiters, there doesn’t seem to be any way to apply my extensive knowledge of Ovid towards my current role. It’s been tricky trying to figure out how to help BlackRock conceal its involvement in putting pipelines across indigenous land from the public given that I don’t have any practical knowledge whatsoever in this field, but I’m learning as I go.” Janssen said.

As of press time, recent graduates hoping to rid their minds of the rot inflicted by a liberal education have taken it upon themselves to learn more applicable skills such as Microsoft Powerpoint, budgeting, and bootlicking.

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.

“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”

Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”

Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”