Professor Refuses To Release Class On Time Despite Swarms Of Frogs, Locusts

KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions.

“He just kept talking about this ‘really good YouTube video’ that he needed to show,” recalled Sam Levi ‘25, brushing locust limbs off his pant leg. “This thing was six minutes long and I couldn’t hear a word of it between all the croaking and buzzing. Professor Farrow just kept grinning at the screen and saying ‘That’s a really great point.’”

As the locusts began to crawl up Farrow’s tweed jacket, he proclaimed that “the frogs will probably eat the locusts,” and proceeded to the subsequent slide of his PowerPoint presentation. When Farrow’s lecture was momentarily delayed by a torrent of hail falling from the ceiling vent, he promptly sidestepped the new hazard and continued his explanation of the kinesin processive motor.

“I haven’t been on time to my next class once this semester,” said Hannah Lais ‘24. “When the frogs started coming out from under the seats, I was hopeful we might finally get out of here. I don’t think Professor Farrow even noticed, he was too busy trying to see if anyone wanted to ask him a question. No one ever asks any questions. The locusts were useless too, he just kept explaining how the current slide was ‘super critical for the next exam.’ I don’t think he knows how to read a clock.”

The students’ confinement came to an end after all the lights in the room suddenly went out, leaving the auditorium in total darkness and permitting the captives to flee. Professor Farrow then proceeded to present an additional ten lecture slides before graciously dismissing the empty classroom.

The Nerve! Person Sits in Chair Next to Me

I am walking away from Goldie’s with an iced coffee that is far too cold for the current weather when I spot two unoccupied, comfy-padded seats in front of a coffee table. Knowing the rarity of my find, I beeline over to stake my claim, slinging my backpack onto one chair and plopping down into the other. But just as I begin to relish in the peace of the private cove I have so tactfully secured, I am approached by a 5’ 8” man holding a chicken panini, who gestures toward my second seat. 

“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” 

I am shocked. Flabbergasted. Appalled. Did he not understand the sacred unwritten chair rule that she who occupies a seat occupies all seats within a 1 meter radius? Did he not see that the chair beside me belonged to my Jansport backpack, who deserved a comfortable place to rest after braving the cold tiles of Baker 200? Did he not have a sense of basic human respect and decency?

“Yes, bitch. Leave!” I scream. He blanches and tucks his tail, gut-wrenchingly realizing the inhumanity of his actions before limping away in defeat. I kick my legs onto the table and sigh, satisfied with my dominance. 

That would be the correct response, at least. But in the time-pressured moment, I am overcome by a spell of weakness. I proceed to lift my backpack off of my neighboring chair and expose its cushion to the vulture above. And then the chicken panini is set on the coffee table and I feel a weight sink down into the black faux leather beside me. 

This is a declaration of war. 

I begin my battle strategy with a small but deadly leg bounce, allowing myself just enough movement to initiate a rumble in the adjacent seat. My opponent strikes harder. He begins to unwrap the white paper around his panini, the crinkling louder and more obnoxious with each fold. I slurp the diluted liquid at the bottom of the iced coffee I finished 15 minutes ago. My opponent takes a bite of his sandwich. I put four pieces of Orbit Spearmint Sugarfree gum in my mouth. My opponent chews. I chew. My opponent swallows. And then I just simply cannot.

I shut my laptop that I did not use productively in any way over the past half-hour and shove it into my backpack. Then I rise from my chair to signal my surrender, accepting defeat at the hands of the insolent little parasite who will probably voluntarily get tested for COVID in the upcoming week. 

My next class does not start for another 30 minutes, so I begin to circle the atrium in hopes of finding a new place to sit. But there are no longer any sets of two empty chairs, so I approach a nearby girl with her coat on the seat next to her and do as I must to survive:

“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” 

OP-ED: If the Professor’s Question Was Really Addressed to a Woman, Then Why Did I Answer It?

I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in.

It’s not that I don’t respect my female classmates; of course not. It’s just that I have a busy schedule of sucking the samples off my professor’s dirty Keens the second lecture ends, and I can’t have some woman talking about shopping for thirty minutes making class run late. I think my twenty minute explanation saved the class a lot of time, and it only took the professor an additional fifteen minutes to go over everything I got wrong.

Some may say that I’m disregarding the females in my class by so callously speaking over them, but I’ll have you know that I love women. Specifically, my mother, who drives over every weekend to wash my big boy undies and make me crustless sammies. I’m sure if a woman ever contributes anything to science, I’ll respect a second woman as well.

If I am wrong and the professor really meant to address my femoid classmate, who may at this very moment be considering leaving STEM forever because of the way men treat her, let me face the social consequences for interrupting a woman: Literally fucking nothing. I’m excited not to see her next lecture!

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish.

“I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said Riley Greenwood ‘22. “I was promised an Ivy League education, but these are high-school level slurs. And since the class is over Zoom, he couldn’t even shove me into a locker afterwards. They’re charging me full tuition for this?”

While many students echoed Greenwood’s dismay, Professor Ostgarden has seen a rally of support from the men-who-wear-suits-to-class community.

“I came to Cornell because of its strong academic tradition, and I believe this morning validated my choice,” said Charles Highlock ‘22. “Where else could I find someone who’s still fighting the good fight against the Irish? While I don’t agree with calling them ‘miserable little potato bugs,’ you have to admit, the whole ‘Irish potato famine’ thing is pretty suspicious. He’s just asking the hard questions.” 

At press time, Cornell administration promised to “denounce hatred in all forms” and “reaffirm their commitment to marginalized communities” by drawing a frowny face on Ostgarden’s next exorbitant paycheck. 

Student Filibusters Entire Lecture After Realizing Participation Worth 30% of Final Grade

WARREN HALL—In a last ditch effort to save her abysmal participation grade, Isabel Miranda ‘22 spent all 75 minutes of her final AEM Statistics lecture asking a single question.

“You know, I just did the math,” Miranda explained after class. “Most people contribute, what? Once a class? Maybe? Taking up every minute of class asking a nonsense question would technically make me a top participator this semester.”

Miranda appeared to run out of material 15 minutes in, but revived herself with a tactical working of Toni Morrison poetry into her question about hypothesis testing. 

“Frankly, I can’t decide if I’m more impressed or annoyed,” noted Jasmine Yang ‘22. “I don’t think anyone else in the class could go on for that long, but then again, no one else in the class skipped every single discussion section.”

Classmates were especially impressed when Miranda refused to yield the floor when she had to go to the bathroom, and instead screamed bloody murder to be heard from the women’s room.

Student Forgets iClicker, Confident He Can Download, Set up Mobile App Before Question Closes

URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed.

“Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in this building, and my phone is brand new. I just need to install a quick app store update first.

The class grade largely rests on participation marked by iClicker answers, so Morrison hustled to save the .02% of his grade now at stake. As the professor announced the imminent closing of the answer, Morrison remained hard at work, speeding past the purchase and jumping into installment, sure as ever that he could ultimately find, download, install, register for, and set up the iClicker mobile app in the ten more seconds before the instructor disabled the question.

“I think he can do it. We’re all rooting for him,” said classmate Jillian Farris ‘22. “I told him what the app was called, and the professor’s moving slower today—whatever it takes to answer this specific question.”

After whipping through the update installment, Morrison ended up hitting a roadblock after forgetting his iTunes password, his backup email password, and his backup backup email password.

YouTube AutoPlay Function Bests yet Another Veteran Computer Science Professor

CARPENTER HALL—A CS 3410 lecture came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning in the most recent case of YouTube AutoPlay catching a world-renowned professor off guard.

Seconds after showing his class a YouTube video on multicore system architectures, Professor David M. Tronkowski, a 72-year-old Stanford Ph.D. and veteran computer scientist, was interrupted by an unexpected 45-minute RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 3 highlight video.

The former Xerox Palo Alto Research Center researcher credited with early developments in graphical user interfaces, complex data network structures, and deep neural networks, frantically stumbled to turn the classroom projector off and on three times to no avail before trying a different remedy.

Unsure of whether he wanted to close all tabs or just his current browser tab, the Fellow of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences instead elected to restart the computer.

“It was a little sad to watch, but I sure wasn’t gonna go in front of the class and solve this easily fixable problem,” stated Mark McTailor ‘19. “Last semester when Drag Race All Stars Season 2 videos kept popping up, I got used to the routine. At least he’s gotten through a season since then.”  

After the eighteen minute ordeal resulted in his laptop being completely disconnected from the A/V system, Tronkowski decided to just release the class and finish watching the highlight video on his phone.

Professor Encourages Students to Ask Questions He Already Knows How to Answer

ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself.

“Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me any question you can think of that pertains to my research, but if it’s anything else then you should check the syllabus or Google it.”

Remarking on the poor grades on the latest exam, Zhao begged students to speak up, but if their confusion was in going from step three to step four in the quantum entanglement proof then they should “ask the graduate TAs who understand those complicated formulas.”

After having his say on class participation, Zhao told the class he’d have to answer their questions next week since they were already behind.

Report: Lectures Most Productive When Spent Doing Homework For Other Class

URIS HALL — In a recent study from the Cornell Psychology department, the vast majority of university students are found to be most productive during lectures when they are doing homework for other classes.

“The data suggest that, instead of paying attention to philosophy or economics professors, a student’s time during rambling seminars is much better spent by silently working through problem sets or short-essay responses for unrelated courses,” said study co-author Dana Walsh. She added that traditional note-taking and class participation have always been huge obstacles preventing students from getting fifty pages of reading done before lunch.

“Our paper also shows that in addition to finishing homework, students also feel at their most prolific filling out graduate school applications or playing Temple Run right in the middle of their discussion or lab sections as well.”

Despite the study’s findings, researchers insist that attending lecture is still necessary for the few moments when the professor specifically mentions something will be on the exam.

Cornell Store Unveils iClicker 7

HO PLAZA — In a much anticipated announcement, the newest model of the popular iClicker series was revealed during the annual World Wide Notebook Conference at the Cornell Store.

“The iClicker 7 series truly revolutionizes modern teaching through a myriad of cutting-edge advancements,” said Cornell Store Director Tim Carvell, waltzing across the stage sporting a black turtleneck and jeans, brandishing in his hands the newest revolution in educational technology.

The iClicker 7 boasts fascinating new features, such as streaming capabilities to watch live feeds of your professor from the back row, or a headphone jack for the perfect song while you wait for lecture to start. The i7 even requires a touch identification before answering to ensure students can’t skip lecture by giving their clicker to someone else.

“We envisioned a world where you don’t need to scramble from one device to another to answer your quiz questions. With the iClicker 7, all your multiple choice answering needs can be found in one sleek, artfully crafted place,” added Carvell in front of hundreds of crazed students already filling out orders for the newest device.

The Cornell Store listed the iClicker 7’s starting cost as $799, and that they’ll be required during lecture next week.