Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley

Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled about the SCOTUS decision that allows my child to marry whoever he wants, I just wish it wasn’t that Bradley,” said Mrs. Adler, referencing Bradley’s wild motorcycle-riding tendencies and extensive collection of leather jackets as potential red flags.

“And does he have to get married while still in college? Just because you can get married doesn’t mean you should, especially if the boy you marry always wears aviator sunglasses, has tattoos and never takes off his shoes before entering the house.”

Adler’s mom reiterated that she is just concerned for her son, and does not want Timothy to make the same mistake she did when she married her first husband, Ronaldo, a handsome Spanish acrobat who has coincidentally announced his engagement to his boyfriend, Stan.

BREAKING: Ezra Cornell Finally Proposes to A.D. White

ITHACA — After the recent legalization of gay marriage by the Supreme Court on Friday, Cornell University founders Ezra Cornell and AD White were finally able to get engaged.

“I was so incredibly happy when I heard the big news, but for Ezra to pop the question immediately was the icing on the cake!” exclaimed White, who began dating Cornell back in 1865 while the two men were creating their Ivy League university. The two have continued dating ever since, and recently celebrated their 150th year together.

“I know the motto is ‘any person, any study,’ but I knew that Andrew was the only person for me, and that the only thing worth studying is love,” said Cornell, staring deeply into his partner’s eyes from across the Arts Quad.

Cornell and White have begun making wedding plans for Ithaca this Fall, but are now looking elsewhere after realizing how long the waiting list is for a Sage Chapel ceremony.

OP-ED: Homophobic Cornellians Refuse to Make Out with Me in this Dumpster

ITHACA- Yesterday, rumors of the bigoted and homophobic underpinnings of the Cornell male community were made nauseatingly clear when multiple self-labeled “allies” publicly refused to make out with me in this dumpster right here.

Cornell, a supposed “safe place” for homosexual, bisexual, and non-identifying youth and a beacon of tolerance and diversity, has faced a growing membership of fringe hate-groups who refuse to follow me into this dumpster to kiss and just see what happens. An unnamed student, who refused to be interviewed or even cuddled in the dumpster, maintained that he is “super supportive” of gay people and “people [who like to make out in] dumpsters,” and yet refused to even let me hold his hand in the dumpster.

Another seemingly un-ashamed homophobe told a reporter that he was “just there to pick up the dumpster” and that it is “unsafe to be in there” and that he “[doesn’t] want to have to call the police again.”

Perhaps most troubling is the apparent campus-wide apathy towards the rampant bigotry. HAVEN (Cornell’s LGBT advocacy group) has received complaints in writing about these instances of campus homophobia and has yet to comment. The documents have since been discovered in a dumpster outside of Willard Straight Hall.