ITHACA- Yesterday, rumors of the bigoted and homophobic underpinnings of the Cornell male community were made nauseatingly clear when multiple self-labeled “allies” publicly refused to make out with me in this dumpster right here.
Cornell, a supposed “safe place” for homosexual, bisexual, and non-identifying youth and a beacon of tolerance and diversity, has faced a growing membership of fringe hate-groups who refuse to follow me into this dumpster to kiss and just see what happens. An unnamed student, who refused to be interviewed or even cuddled in the dumpster, maintained that he is “super supportive” of gay people and “people [who like to make out in] dumpsters,” and yet refused to even let me hold his hand in the dumpster.
Another seemingly un-ashamed homophobe told a reporter that he was “just there to pick up the dumpster” and that it is “unsafe to be in there” and that he “[doesn’t] want to have to call the police again.”
Perhaps most troubling is the apparent campus-wide apathy towards the rampant bigotry. HAVEN (Cornell’s LGBT advocacy group) has received complaints in writing about these instances of campus homophobia and has yet to comment. The documents have since been discovered in a dumpster outside of Willard Straight Hall.