Male Freshmen Already Figuring Out Masturbation Schedules

DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules.

“I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while consulting several Excel spreadsheets.

Winters has been trying to gather hints about his roommate’s academic schedule to find the perfect time to watch his vast collection of pornographic films.

“On Wednesday, his first class is 9:05, and my first class is 10:10, so maybe that’ll work. But what if he forgets something and needs to return to the room?” pondered Winters, along with the hundreds of other male freshmen dealing with similar situations.

Reports went on to indicate that guys are still clueless on what girls do about these kinds of things.

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