Residually Warm Olin Seat Reminder of Comforting Embrace of Womb

OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant.

“I remembered what it was like to be a zygote… it was wonderful yet tormenting,” said Velazquez, “I have been extremely stressed out recently, so when my bone-cold buttocks hit the sweet solace of this wooden seat, I reflected on the last time I was truly at peace. I pushed myself to go back into this blissfully fetal mental state, and it has been truly eye opening for me.”

“All thanks to this slightly slick, toasty warmth, I began to feel relaxed. It was as if this maternal figure I was cozied into was whispering ‘It’s okay, you’ll be okay… Come to mommy…’ right in my ear. And at that moment, I believed her. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to be reassured. I don’t want to finish my problem set, I want to retreat from the external world and reattach my umbilical cord.” Velazquez sidled deeper into the creaking chair, experiencing a primal yearning for the warm amniotic fluid he had previously spent a euphoric nine months in.

“But this is just a fantasy. I am in a library seat that has been heated up by a stranger’s ass. I was left longing for my home, the uterus, with a harsh pain in my heart. What’s the point? Does this warmth exist just to taunt me? To remind me that I will never be able to experience the membranous angelic existence within a mother ever again? Or is it to punish me? Dear God, what have done to warrant such a torture? I am no longer a fruit of a womb, but a rotten moldy vegetable left to die in the garbage. I couldn’t stand it, I had to escape this forsaken hell called Olin.”

Velazquez finished with a plea: “I am left wistful by this experience, and urge all fetuses to appreciate your time in peace while you can and to stay in there as long as possible. I would also like to politely ask my professor for an extension.”

Student Calls Mom to Wish Her Happy Mother’s Day From Bedroom Upstairs

NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom.

“Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so sometimes it’s hard to remember,” said Willem. “Now that the family is together again, I figured I owed it to her to really go all out with a brief phone call..”

Clearly Willem’s efforts were recognized, since her mother seemed to appreciate the copious amount of time and care she put into making this Mother’s Day a special one.

“Normally when my sweet Tessa is away at college, she might shoot me a ‘happy mother’s day birthgiver :/’ text a day or two late, followed by her Venmo requesting me $38 for ‘Moonies’ or one of the other grocery stores she frequents,” said Allison Willem, loving mother of two. “The fact that she went above and beyond this year and called makes me feel so lucky to have her as a daughter.”

After the call, Willem searched far and wide on the Cornell Store website for a Mother’s Day gift, eventually settling for the same “Cornell Mom” keychain she gifted two years ago and explaining to her mom that her gift is arriving late due to COVID-19 shipping delays.