TOWNHOUSE COMMUNITY – Transferring to Cornell after his freshman year, Bryce Bannister ‘18 has come to the conclusion that his former school was actually merely a large inflatable bouncy castle, not unlike those rented for children’s birthday parties.
Bannister began to suspect that he was not in fact majoring in Religious Studies at an institution of higher learning just a few months into his first semester. “For one,” says Bannister “I didn’t have any tests or homework at all. Actually, I didn’t even apply there. I just climbed into a squishy building I saw in a park, found a discarded Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet, and started reading that.”
Though he has found Cornell a more enriching academic experience, Bannister admits that there are aspects of his old “school” that he misses, stating that “the social life there was more my speed. I’m not so much a frat party guy as a sit alone in a brightly colored house made of vinyl and nylon guy.”
Bannister emphasizes that he has no regrets about his decision to transfer to Cornell, however he does dearly miss his raccoon and vermin friends at his old school.
NEW YORK – Citing safety concerns, the Cornell and Columbia football teams agreed to play Saturday’s Empire State Bowl using two-hand touch rules in lieu of the standard tackling.
The match-up had all the makings of an afternoon schoolyard pickup game, and players from both teams discussed and settled on two-hand touch in order to avoid scraped knees on the New York City pavement.
“I just want my little boy to not get hurt,” said Angela Molina, mother of Columbia running back Cameron Molina, “He can have fun playing football sometimes, but he needs to be getting the most out of his college education.”
Additional rules included one blitz per set of downs, stopping play whenever a car drove through, and counting 5 “Mississippi’s” before rushing the quarterback.
After enjoying orange slices and juice boxes at halftime, conflict arose when Cornell linebacker Taylor Betros was accused of intentionally pushing Columbia receiver Ryan Flannery. However, Head Referee Wilfred Pister was able to pacify the rowdy post-teens, insisting, “No more pushing from now on.”
When pressed for comment after the game, Cornell head coach David Archer said, “There’s no need for these friendly games to get so physical like that, I’d hate to see one of the kids break their glasses.”
With darkness setting in, both teams agreed to conclude the game with Cornell winning 30-27, but everyone was a winner because the teams all got ice-cream together after the game.
NATICK, MASSACHUSETTS – Cornell students and administrators were excited to learn this weekend that the university had once again reclaimed its coveted title of “Biggest Red.”
The highly anticipated ranking published annually by the Princeton Review seeks to highlight those colleges which truly encompass that which is big and red, and Cornellians across campus are delighted to hear that they can continue calling themselves “The Big Red.”
When asked for comment, Julie Waters, Senior Director of Public Affairs for Cornell, said, “This title means a lot to us. Without this victory, what else would we call ourselves? ‘The Red?’”
Cornell faced tough competition for the number one spot, narrowly edging out the Stanford Cardinal and the Alabama Crimson Tide. In his justification for the rankings, Head Analyst for the poll Paul Noyten wrote, “Cornell’s continued success in this area really boils down to two things: how big they are and how red they are.”
While Cornell now has a lock on “Biggest Red”, the University now looks to acquire several more renowned titles, including “Slopiest Slope” and “Least Bang For Your Buck.”