LATHAM, MA – After several days at home for break, Cornell sophomore Tina Nelson has determined that her parents, who are paying for her entire college tuition, are utterly and totally unbearable.
“Mom never shuts up about her yoga class, and Dad doesn’t know how to work any piece of technology and has to ask me for help all the time,” stated Nelson, who will graduate debt-free as a result of her obnoxious parents’ financial assistance. “It’s insane,” she added.
Nelson had begun to notice minor annoyances from her parents when she was a Junior in high school. It was not until after her mother and father had written the first of several $30,000 checks for her education that she began to consider them complete nuisances.
“So, Tina, what classes are you taking next semester?” and “How are your friends doing?” are some of the inane questions that Nelson’s useless mother, who had meticulously set aside money for her college fund since before she was born, just has to ask all the damn time.
“Insufferable,” commented Nelson.
FORT LAUDERDALE- Mere hours after returning home from dropping their son Keith off for his freshman year, parents Michelle and David Anderson had finished converting Keith’s cherished childhood bedroom into a home gym, complete with treadmill, elliptical machine, and bench press.
“Well, he’s not using it,” said Mr. Anderson while throwing out a box of Keith’s old soccer trophies which his son spent years accumulating and to which he had countless childhood memories attached.
“Yes, I’m a little afraid that this may be tough for Keith, but if he really cared about his room he wouldn’t want it to go to waste.”
Mr. Anderson added that he had assured his son that when he came home for breaks, he could use the gym as much as he wanted.
WESTCHESTER, NY — Reports indicate that after dropping you off at Cornell to begin a full year of college, your parents immediately took advantage of their now empty house by having sex in your absence.
“Pretty much as soon as we walk in the door,” said your mom, when asked how long it would be until she and your father started making love without fear of you overhearing.
After saying their final goodbyes and making the drive back home to your former place of residence, the mother and father who raised you into the young adult you are today were preparing to do the dirty deed, and were definitely going to do it tonight.
This passionate sex will follow a full day of moving you into your new room and having your mom cry as she says goodbye to the child her and your father were so proud of, while, unknowingly to you, they were mentally preparing for a night of coitus, which had become more and more infrequent since your birth.
Reports went on to say that the following morning, while you were bragging about the hook-up you had the previous night, your parents were still going at it.