HO PLAZA—Local tour guide Erin Roland ‘21 couldn’t help but feel like she was being followed Friday morning after noticing a large group of parents and high school students pursuing her during a walk through campus. “I really don’t wanna look, but I swear multiple families from Long Island have been on my tail since…
CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time. “I’m so excited to tell them about…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
CINCINNATI, OHIO— Cornell Parents Robert and Sarah were infuriated earlier today upon learning that their son, Joseph Plotnick ‘20, takes thorough notes in class without even glancing at his $870 iPhone 7 Plus, instead wastefully leaving it in his coat pocket during lecture. “We did not spend our hard-earned money for you to just ignore…
FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Davidson’s ultra conservative grandfather as…
NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side. “Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just…
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA — Dana Harrington, mother of Jackson Whiting ‘18, expressed concern after receiving a call from her worry-free, unstressed son, who sounded completely content with his college experience instead of anxious and full of self-doubt like he’s supposed to be. “Something was definitely wrong. Jackson sounded happy and fully rested,” said Harrington, who sent…
FALL CREEK GORGE — Earlier this morning, alumni father Arthur Carrington ’79 took his son Alexander down by Fall Creek to show him where he and his old college friends used to do lots of drugs and have lots of sex. “There used to be a big tree here where we’d meet up,” explained Carrington…
COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the…
