Paranoid Tour Guide Convinced She’s Being Followed

HO PLAZA—Local tour guide Erin Roland ‘21 couldn’t help but feel like she was being followed Friday morning after noticing a large group of parents and high school students pursuing her during a walk through campus.

“I really don’t wanna look, but I swear multiple families from Long Island have been on my tail since the Arts Quad,” stated Roland before glancing over her shoulder. “Oh God, I think I made eye contact with one of them.” 

The assortment of New Balance-clad fathers and notepad-wielding mothers could be overheard attempting to subtly sell the frazzled Roland on their childrens’ high school accomplishments. “You know my daughter Angelica used to play the bells,” stated one mouth-breathing stalker as the group passed McGraw Tower during a chimes performance. 

Quickening her pace in an attempt to evade the herd, Roland was ultimately no match for their barrage of questions about underage drinking, the “Harry Potter library,” and the impact of recent bike fires on campus safety. Roland was last seen letting out a shriek before booking it down the sidewalk, desperate to break free from her delusional oppressors.

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