Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch.
Although Wentworth had long accepted his role in life–to spend the most functional years of his cocaine addiction falsifying ledgers in order to increase stocks by .03%—as his LinkedIn feed filled with announcements of his classmate’s internships in Silicon Valley, Wentworth found himself filled with doubt for the first time in his smug, entitled life. Just as the Son of God in the Gospel of Matthew lay prostrate in the garden, Wentworth threw himself down among his discarded beer cans and contacted his father the only way he knew how–by calling his secretary’s number.
“Dad, please, if it’s possible to find an opening in California, let this internship in Ohio pass me by,” Wentworth pleaded with the answering machine, trembling with sorrow and synthetic weed withdrawal. “Through You all things are possible–like deforesting the entire Amazon, or getting My three DUIs dismissed. Give Me the keys to the kingdom of heaven, or at least to an apartment outside of the central United States!”
Wentworth’s prayers were answered by a voicemail threatening to cut off his allowance, causing Wentworth to declare, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”

Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime.

“I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J sandwich diagonally and put it in a sandwich baggie. “My little Xandy’s never visited me so often. I’m excited to hear about this ‘pre-enroll’ thing he’s doing, although I still don’t understand why his Info Sci major requires him to enroll in Beers, Wines, and Ciders.”

While this new security measure has been received warmly by helicopter parents and Mama’s boys across campus, many students have taken a different view. After the announcement, students across campus have reportedly remained logged out of every possible web service.

“These permission forms are ruining my life,” complained McCullough. “My stupid mom just wants to talk about how much she loves me, or whatever, and she takes forever to sign. I was two hours late to pre-enroll because she wouldn’t stop droning on and on about my kindergarten classmate’s sister’s engagement.”

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries. 

“I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and the dulcet tones of approaching ambulances? Gee, just wouldn’t feel like a real graduation, y’know?” 

In previous years, graduating seniors could ensure that many, if not all of their family members could be guaranteed a brush with death. After the cancellation of the Class of 2020’s in-person commencement, graduating members of the Class of 2021 feared that they too would be unable to use their final moment of college to inflict maximum damage upon their loved ones. 

“I was really at war with myself trying to decide which of my precious relatives I wanted to potentially pass out, or pass away, in the bleachers of Schoellkopf field. Then I remembered Uncle Ted has been getting a little too cocky about that new paleo diet he’s on,” noted Cassandra Lee ’21. “I’m hoping a little good-ol-fashioned sunstroke will humble him.” 

While some students mean only to put their relatives in their place with a good scare, others plan to use the event for more nefarious results. “My Mee-maw has survived both world wars, the Vietnam war, and at least three occasions of something she likes to call ‘Grand-pappy’s Maritime Oopsies’.” said Tobias Peston ’21. “Frankly, I think it’s just her time now.” 

In preparation for the event, emergency services have hurriedly launched an ad campaign, featuring photos of the elderly with captions like: “Beat it, Heat!” and “Sunstroke? Nah, I’ll Take Me Some Funstroke!” Response to the campaign has been tepid at best. 

5,000 Surveillance Tests Per Day No Match for Geoff and Stacey from Montgomery, AL

HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama.

“I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while walking around campus. “It’s always been a dream of ours to visit Cornell and talk closely with the students, crowd into the narrow area behind McGraw Tower, and touch all of the famous monuments. Why should we give that up now?”

The Vanderblums attended Geoff’s cousin’s niece’s large indoor wedding in Mobile—now considered by the CDC to have been a “superspreader event”—a few days prior to their visit. Though they exhibited no outward signs of the deadly virus, university officials identify them as being directly or indirectly responsible for 62 new cases on the Cornell campus, with contact tracing lagging far behind the necessary number to contain new transmission.

“Me? I don’t have the coronavirus, no,” Mrs. Vanderblum said as the Statler Hotel’s isolation rooms quickly filled with students who had come into contact with the visitors. “It’s my Constitutional right not to wear a mask, and I fully intend to exercise that.”

At press time, the Vanderblums were spotted eating at a restaurant in Collegetown, but complained that the food “didn’t taste like anything.”

Student’s Parents Excited To Attend Virtual Slope Day Concert Too

PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert.

“When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger in a Hooder, and Glaucoma, were performing. Can’t say I’ve heard of them but if they’re good enough for Julie-kins, they’re good enough for me.”

Saratoga’s parents expressed concerns over how to best prepare for the concert, lamenting that Saratoga had remained evasive on the question of when the concert was being held. “Juli-love is just shy. He has nothing to worry about! We’re cool parents.”

Saratoga’s father Ed professed excitement towards the virtual format. “Video chat is great these days! I’d love to meet some of Judge Julie’s friends and see what a day with the boys is like! I’ll be keeping our video on for sure.”

“I’m so glad we get to celebrate this special tradition with our special boy,” Elena concluded. “I only wish aunt Carrie and uncle Jorge could celebrate with us too. Oh! That gives me an idea—maybe I’ll invite the whole Saratoga clan!”

“I only wish my little Ceasar Salad could tell us more about what it was like! When I asked, all he could tell me about last year’s Slope Day was that he blacked. I guess that’s some new slang for forgetting about events that happened a long time ago.”

Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self. 

“I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but now all I have are questions,” said Alcott after playing Animal Crossings: Wild World (c. 2005). “How did I even find this fun? These villagers are so needy. Why don’t they weed their own goddamn lawns and water their own goddamn flowers?”

Enraged, Alcott vowed that her childhood wasn’t a lie, and tried to insert her Nintendogs cartridge, only needing to blow on the game and the slot a mere seven times for it to slightly work.

“After having one aspect of my childhood crushed by the perils of adult life, and living with my insufferable parents for the last two months, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was my virtual beagle puppy, Sparkles. But when I logged on it said he ran away,” lamented Alcott. “I can’t even… this device is horrible. And for God’s sake, what are these crusty orange stains on the buttons?”

As of press time, Alcott had traded her Nintendo DS on Facebook Marketplace for a variety pack of White Claws and had re-downloaded TikTok.

TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes.

Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room, joined a breakout room after a half hour or so, and then relayed their questions to a noticeably frustrated Green as his parents, Deborah and David Green, engaged in a cacophonous shouting match in the other room.

Despite the shift away from campus, Green’s students reportedly feel extremely engaged during his office hours, particularly with the very audible marital tension occurring within earshot of his web camera. Office hours attendance has increased sharply in recent weeks as students have more and more unanswered questions for Green ahead of finals. 

“So your dad did or didn’t say he’d sort the laundry before 5:00?” asked Michele Larrison ‘21. “And, I know we’ve covered this before, but could you remind me, Angelica is your mom’s younger sister? The attractive one who’s caused problems before, right?” 

Student curiosity and satisfaction with Green’s office hours seem to suggest a more enthusiastic classroom environment than ever before. 

“Jeffrey’s office hours have been really beneficial, and I think I’ve gained a much better comprehension of backpropagation ahead of our exam,” said Charlie McBain ‘20 “and more importantly, I really think his mom needs to chill out- Walgreens receipt timestamps cannot be easily forged like she thinks.” 

Faced with the choice between the echo-plagued Wednesday TA who does not wear headphones and the glitchy Friday TA whose family hasn’t upgraded their wifi since 2005, Green’s Monday night sessions and deteriorating family dynamic appear to be student’s best choice for learning.

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OHFollowing four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.

“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”

Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair. 

As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.

Student Uses Extended Break to Rediscover Love of Being Terrible at Hobbies

TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts.

 “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said Clemens, beaming with unearned confidence. “Now, more than ever, is the time for us to rediscover our identities through artwork and free expression, and by God, did I ever find my true self in the lopsided, brown drips of the twelve crayons I melted together with a hairdryer.”

 Since the break began, Clemens has spent her time pursuing a series of hobbies, each executed more disastrously than the last. What began as writing edgy, middle-school-esque poetry led to attempting to bake bread, which later culminated in painting self-portraits with obnoxious symbolism and wildly inaccurate proportions. 

Asked for comment, Clemens’ father, Raymond, offered “We pray every hour that this doesn’t devolve into a desire to become TikTok famous. We could tolerate the adult coloring books and attempts at acoustic covers of ‘Wonderwall’, but there’s a special place in the orphanage for Riley if she starts dancing to Doja Cat songs for strangers in our guest bathroom.” 

At press time, Clemens was spotted ambitiously eyeing a set of knitting needles, eager to let her Instagram followers know all about her new “element” only to immediately abandon the project afterwards. 

Frat Legend Dad Spends All of Parent’s Weekend Upstaging Loser Son

EDDY STREET — At this year’s Parent’s Weekend, total Frat bro icon Ronald Hernandez ‘90 spent his days overshadowing his painfully less-cool son.

“The brothers at his old house really seemed to like him,” said son Richie Hernandez ‘ 23. “They invited him back up in two weeks for their big fall party. And honestly, I don’t even care that they didn’t invite me; I’m probably going to have so much work that week, anyways. It just would have been nice if Dad had even introduced me.”

Hernandez insisted on joining son Richie ’23 for a night out at fraternity annexes, where he exposed Richie’s utter inability to “hang with the boys.”

“I mean look at the kid,” Ronald yelled over the music. “The boy can’t hold his liquor, he can’t rail lines, and he couldn’t pull chicks if they were tied to a rope. And I can tell he’s pissed I keep destroying him in flip cup. Is Richie even still here?”

In an attempt to get back into the swing of things, Richie brought a beautifully poured and perfectly chilled glass of rosé to his father, who was too busy shattering the house keg stand record to even notice.