Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime.

“I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J sandwich diagonally and put it in a sandwich baggie. “My little Xandy’s never visited me so often. I’m excited to hear about this ‘pre-enroll’ thing he’s doing, although I still don’t understand why his Info Sci major requires him to enroll in Beers, Wines, and Ciders.”

While this new security measure has been received warmly by helicopter parents and Mama’s boys across campus, many students have taken a different view. After the announcement, students across campus have reportedly remained logged out of every possible web service.

“These permission forms are ruining my life,” complained McCullough. “My stupid mom just wants to talk about how much she loves me, or whatever, and she takes forever to sign. I was two hours late to pre-enroll because she wouldn’t stop droning on and on about my kindergarten classmate’s sister’s engagement.”

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