Tag Archives: students

Cornell Advocacy Project and Knitting Group in Vicious Fight to Recruit Freshman Uninterested in Both Clubs

NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not Read More

Cornell Clubs Strike Down Eviction Moratorium for Alumni Lingering in Group Chats

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.   “While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to Read More

Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime. “I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as Read More

Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function.  “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, Read More

Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all Read More

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app.  “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using Read More

Professor Encourages Students to Ask Questions He Already Knows How to Answer

ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself. “Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me Read More