Cornell Advocacy Project and Knitting Group in Vicious Fight to Recruit Freshman Uninterested in Both Clubs

NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs.

“Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re looking for. Engaging in politics and making a difference? Learning a new skill to relax and make cool things for my friends? I’m looking for something more my speed, probably a club that doesn’t chase me up the stairs of Dickson begging me to apply to something I will definitely get rejected from.”

In reports made to the Tatkon Center for First-Year Students, various freshmen claim to have been caught in the middle of a co-curricular crossfire while taking leisurely strolls around RPCC or Appel Commons. Transfer students have reported a constant feeling of being watched by their RA who just learned the art of crochet. Yet, according to the clubs themselves, their efforts are simply unavoidable.

“Look, we aren’t here to make anyone uncomfortable.” explained Advocacy Project secretary Alice Kemp ‘23. “But those knitting nerds have quarter cards in every common space, every rec center, and there isn’t a co-op board around without their contact information. If we don’t teach these freshmen about the wonders of civic participation before they sink their needles in, they’re goners. ClubFest is war, and the Advocacy Project takes all the prisoners it can.”

At press time, freshmen concerned over the intensity and squareness of the rival clubs have found asylum in the humanitarian, chill recruiting efforts of Cornell’s leading satire paper.

Cornell Clubs Strike Down Eviction Moratorium for Alumni Lingering in Group Chats

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.

 

“While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does not mean we can simply override club rules at the drop of a hat,” said George Adrian ‘22, vice president of the hip-hop tribute group 2Pacapella. “Any such policy would have to be put in place by the SAFC itself.”

 

The moratorium, which has extended all the way back to March 2020, grew increasingly divisive throughout the summer of 2021 as two fully graduated classes lingered in undergrad-specific clubs. Hailed as a crucial protection by advocates and derided as an unjustified handout by critics, the unofficial but near-universal policy faced renewed backlash as past members began to take space away from 2025 first-years. Still, its removal has been met with mixed emotions, with the harshest criticism coming from the affected classes.

 

“I did so much for that club, and this is how they repay me?” cried Cam Elliott ‘20. “My whole life was back there in 2Pacapella. Where am I supposed to go now? People tell me to just find another singing group devoted to the life and works of Tupac Shakur, but they don’t know it’s not that simple. Cast out alone, I may be forced to join some group exalting a much less influential artist… god, I can’t even imagine what that would mean for me.”

 

At press time, clubs announced that executive board chats would be exempt from the ruling “in case we don’t know how some of the stuff works.”

Cornell Announces All Log Ins Will Require a Signed Permission Form From Mommy

DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will  replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime.

“I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J sandwich diagonally and put it in a sandwich baggie. “My little Xandy’s never visited me so often. I’m excited to hear about this ‘pre-enroll’ thing he’s doing, although I still don’t understand why his Info Sci major requires him to enroll in Beers, Wines, and Ciders.”

While this new security measure has been received warmly by helicopter parents and Mama’s boys across campus, many students have taken a different view. After the announcement, students across campus have reportedly remained logged out of every possible web service.

“These permission forms are ruining my life,” complained McCullough. “My stupid mom just wants to talk about how much she loves me, or whatever, and she takes forever to sign. I was two hours late to pre-enroll because she wouldn’t stop droning on and on about my kindergarten classmate’s sister’s engagement.”

Presumptuous Host Ends Meeting For All

WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. 

“This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box before the 5-second timer hit zero. “I had a lineup of thank-you’s to give out to this year’s E-Board, so I guess I’ll just text them.”

Hundreds of miles away, a leather jacket clad Bowens put on Ray Bans, leaned back in his chair, and lit up a cigarette. “Sorry kids but this Zoom meeting ends when I say so. You want forgiveness? Go to church.” 

At press time, a power-tripping Bowens forced members to wait to be admitted and demanded a “please and thank you” before enabling screen share capabilities to all participants. 

Ithaca Landlords Agree to Rent Freeze After Realizing “We Are All Tenants on this Beautiful Planet Called Earth”

COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.”

“We have, all of us, been led astray for too long,” said a representative of 312 College Avenue. “For at our core, we are all tenants of this special rock we call home, this Pale Blue Dot.” The congregation of visibly reverent landlords continued to remind onlookers that “Every sunrise, every flower, every flake of falling snow, is a gift from mother Earth, who all of us were so very wrong to ever think we could ‘own.’”

The leaders of Collegetown’s primary rental offices apparently came to the realization during a recent Landlord Association of Tompkins County meeting, when a screening of “Resisting the Residents: How To Avoid Pesky Renter Requests” was mistakenly replaced with “The Lorax.” The film’s powerful message of the importance and sanctity of nature quickly won over the assembled landlords, causing local landlord Bill Avramis to shed one solemn, solitary tear. 

The landlords also announced that “they’d be sending someone over to install solar panels on the roofs of all properties,” but failed to provide a comment on whether there’d be any update on fixing the washing machines that have been busted for the last two weeks. 

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. 

“We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not only is it a great supplement for your iClicker Device, but all of our students and faculty love its efficiency and ease of use,” said Dean of Students Vijay Pendakur, who added that the app can also be used for fun little quizzes to see if people are paying attention at caucuses. “Plus,” he continued, “you get to offload administrative costs onto voters.”

Cornell has also mulled advertising the app’s connectivity issues to the Republican party as a surefire method for voter disenfranchisement.

Professor Encourages Students to Ask Questions He Already Knows How to Answer

ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself.

“Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me any question you can think of that pertains to my research, but if it’s anything else then you should check the syllabus or Google it.”

Remarking on the poor grades on the latest exam, Zhao begged students to speak up, but if their confusion was in going from step three to step four in the quantum entanglement proof then they should “ask the graduate TAs who understand those complicated formulas.”

After having his say on class participation, Zhao told the class he’d have to answer their questions next week since they were already behind.