January 5, 2017

Reunited Sophomore Not Telling Friends His Parents Say Hi

FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’

“How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year old from New York who he met once in a hallway last year.

Despite promising that he would, the excited sophomore forgot to deliver his parents’ one-worded message. Soon, the students would be seen sloppily throwing on southern accents to match their fake Tennessee IDs.

“Do you still keep in touch with that girl Rebecca? Such a sweet wholesome young lady, tell her I say hi,” texted Mrs. Traynor, referring to Rachel Marks ’19, who was witnessed hiking up her dress to increase the group’s odds of getting into a club.

Sources confirmed that Traynor never told anyone his parents said ‘hi,’ and instead spent the rest of the night slumped over a couch covered in buffalo wings while his parents slept peacefully, knowing their son had such wonderful college friends.

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