Tag Archives: Drinking

Excited Freshman Just Going to Slope Day for the Music

LIBE SLOPE—Among the thousands of enthusiastic attendees ready to partake in the Slope Day festivities is Daniel Sebastian ‘22, whose only motivation for showing up is the wholesome and thorough consumption of music. “You don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy EDM, especially not during the daytime,” said Sebastian. “I Read More

Pre-Frosh Excited To Visit Restaurants That Will Close Before he Arrives

COLLEGETOWN—Hungry after a long day of exploring his future campus, incoming engineer Julio Saldanha ‘23 was captivated by Collegetown’s choice of dining options that will surely shut down before the fall semester. “All these restaurants look so good, but I think I’m going to spend a lot of time at Read More

Junior Drags Out Stained, Beer-Soaked Costume For Second Consecutive Halloweekend

COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry. “How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her Read More

Slope Day Volunteer Wakes Up Early to Get Head Start on Drinking Free Coffee

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to Read More

Student Eager to Fill Void Left By Game Of Thrones Finale With Binge Drinking

COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Read More

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, Read More

Study Abroad Student Excited To Party In Spain Exactly As She Would In America

BARCELONA, SPAIN— Judging by her fun-looking travel updates on Facebook, after only a week of adjusting to a foreign country, study abroad student Maddy Jackson ’18 is excited to party in Spain exactly as she would in America. “The nightlife here is amazing, I went to a club with friends Read More

Reunited Sophomore Not Telling Friends His Parents Say Hi

FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor Read More

Rising Senior Mentally Preparing for Last Year of Keystone Light

TEANECK, NJ – Justin Cochran ’17, entering his last year at Cornell, reports that he is “mentally and physically” preparing himself to drink Keystone Light Beer for the next 10 months before he can graduate to more expensive, better-tasting beers. “One more year of this, and then never again in Read More