CINCINNATI, OHIO— Cornell Parents Robert and Sarah were infuriated earlier today upon learning that their son, Joseph Plotnick ‘20, takes thorough notes in class without even glancing at his $870 iPhone 7 Plus, instead wastefully leaving it in his coat pocket during lecture.
“We did not spend our hard-earned money for you to just ignore your phone,” Sarah texted her imprudent son, who was too busy concentrating on the blackboard to check his messages. “I’ve been working day in and day out to provide you with the 128 GB new Retina display smartphone I never had as a child.”
“If he’s going to take his privilege for granted, we might as well swap his swanky little gadget with a Nokia,” said Joseph’s equally-disappointed father, who added that that he can’t understand how his son could think that listening to lecture compares to the world of information on the Internet, as graciously provided by their pricey data plan.
Despite his parents’ anger, the ungrateful student was seen at Willard Straight shamelessly grabbing multiple bags of free popcorn for dinner, instead of using his Golden Bear meal plan at Okenshields.