LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings.
“It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de mozzarella now featured in the Hors D’oeuvres section,” explained recently-promoted sous chef de cuisine and long-time deep-frier Brenda McGowen. “Rest assured, your late night pépites de poulet from the grillades are going nowhere.”
Sources confirmed that the establishment’s management team has required all staff members to speak exclusively in French to inform patrons when their orders are ready.
“Édouard! ÉDOUARD!!!!” an employee bellowed across the kitchen to a pleasantly confused Ed Walker ’19. “Vos frites sont prêtes!”
Finally satisfied with his Cornell Dining experience, Walker was seen using a plastic fork and knife to cut his chili cheese fries into bite-sized pieces and praising Nasties on Yelp for excellent ambiance.
DAY HALL — Scoring three out of four stars, Cornell University was again ranked in the top three in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2017 List of Best Universities in Tompkins County.
“It’s definitely a testament to the quality of the faculty and dining options we are proud to have at Cornell,” said Vice Assistant Dean of Academic Services Melissa Hart, “I’d say it is probably the best learning experience you can get within a thirty or forty-minute drive from downtown.”
The complex formula employed by U.S. News and World Report includes factors such as number of applicants rejected and faculty salaries. The ranking methodology also looks at school-specific programs and the quantity of research performed.
“It really helped me narrow down my search,” said Victor Mitchell ’20, when prompted to discuss how the University rankings influenced his college decision process. “There are just so many colleges around here, and I really wanted to go to a school with prestige. The U.S. News rankings were very useful in helping me choose the best college in the Ithaca area.”
Cornell also ranked well in several other lists, including “Best Schools Where You Learn to Read Really Good,” and “Top Universities Not Located in New England.”
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States.
“We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent in the facility, “I’ll tell you, it just warms my heart every day coming to work and seeing two or three families stranded here, no hope of leaving. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.”
Featuring not one, but two vending machines available in the populated waiting area, the Ithaca airport provides weary travelers with an intimate atmosphere while they anxiously await news of “abnormally high winds over Newark.” If patrons are successful in demanding their money back from one of the three airlines servicing Ithaca, the airport maintains a Budget Rent-A-Car so customers can make up for wasted time.
“If I had to pick a place to miss the birth of my grandchild because of low visibility, I’m sure glad it was Ithaca-Tompkins Regional,” said Craig Plebani, an Ithaca native.
The regional airport also placed high in rankings such as “Least Safe Place for Takeoff/Landing” and “Most Business Lost to the Bus Industry.”