Following Success of Fake Wedding, SAC to Host Fake Tear-Filled Screaming Match With Fake Child Cowering in Bedroom Wondering if It’s His Fault

DUFFIELD HALL—Following the high attendance and excitement at this past weekend’s Mock Shaadi, a fake wedding ceremony that incorporated elements from various South Asian cultures, the Cornell South Asian Council (SAC) plans on following the natural course of events in a marriage by hosting a mock altercation in which parents yell horrible things at each other within earshot of their terrified child.

The event will take place in Duffield Hall, supposedly so that any household objects thrown in frustration during the simulated feud can dramatically break the building’s large glass windows, drowning out the mock whimpers of a small child who will remember this moment for the rest of his life and forever carry inside of him a small part of imitation guilt and trauma over his parents’ broken relationship.

“Authenticity is really important to us,” said event coordinator Vikas Shah ‘23, speaking of the decision to have the mother call the father a “deadbeat loser who hangs out with his tramp coworkers all day and has no ambition.” “We wanted to create a truly toxic environment for a child to grow up in,” said Shah, gesturing to the 5-year old kid in the corner tasked with rocking back and forth on the floor with his blanket and softly crying, wondering if it’s his fault that mommy and daddy are fighting again.

To add to the festivities, food will be served at the event, including a slightly cold pizza ordered after the fight has died down, eaten in silence at the dinner table until one of the parents awkwardly clears their throat and asks their visibly distraught child how his day at school was.

After the mock screaming bout, the SAC has plans to simulate other key moments in a marriage, like when you fake a pregnancy out of fear that your high school Glee Club director husband will leave you otherwise, or when you find out that your husband is cheating on you with a younger woman, setting off your plot to frame him for your own murder while you flee across the country.

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

Romantic Evening Ruined by RPCC Closing at 9:00

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 p.m.

“Everything was going well until we were rudely interrupted. The lights weren’t too bright or too dim, the line for roast beef sushi was only five people long, and Lance was everything I imagined a man who takes me to a suave place like RPCC could be,” said Burr, who believed she never saw love until Becker volunteered a guest swipe to pay for her meal.

“We have standards at this fine establishment that is the Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. If I didn’t tell the two to leave, then all of the lovers on the Bear Traditional dining plan would talk late into the night, hours after closing,” said a student employee, jealous after her bad date Thursday at Appel.

Even after the disappointing end to their evening, Burr is reportedly considering asking Becker to join her next week at some place nicer, like Cook House on West Campus.