“I’m Just Gonna Lay Down for a Bit,” Says Student Changing into Pajamas at Noon

COLLEGETOWN—After exiting the first Zoom class of her day, April Woodward ‘22 surprised her roommates by changing into her pajamas and announcing that she was going to have a bit of a lie-down. “It’s not something I do every day,” she said as she turned on her 10-hour “afternoon naps”  Spotify playlist, “but it’s nice to just recharge your brain for an hour, especially when you’ve been super busy.”

Woodward is no novice to power naps, and with her seventeen alarms set one minute apart and a mountain of blankets to cocoon herself in, she is well-prepared for the endeavor. “It’s always a gamble whether you’ll wake up in time,” she said, holding back a yawn, “but I have, like, a fifty percent success rate, and that curves up to a C! Totally worth it.”

Self-care and relaxation can be difficult to prioritize, but it does pay off: Woodward’s professors have noticed a clear difference in her classroom participation. “I can always tell when April’s taken a quick nap before class,” said Esteban Herrera, who teaches Woodward’s afternoon math discussion. “Instead of the usual sight of April checking Instagram and looking bored out of her mind, the Zoom square just isn’t even there! She’s taking care of herself, and I have one less quiz to grade—it’s a win-win for campus mental health.”

In preparation for Woodward’s five-minute afternoon doze, her roommates have stockpiled bottled water and microwaveable ramen noodles outside her door for when she emerges, disoriented and dehydrated, at three in the morning.

Monster Under Bed Concerned Over Sophomore’s Lack of Sleep

BECKER HALL — The monster under the bed has expressed concern for Ryan Levine ’18, who has gotten almost no sleep in the past week due to mounting problem sets and extracurricular obligations. Every night for the past few months, the monster has attempted to spook Levine, but his recently disturbed sleep schedule has the monster wondering if Levine is getting his necessary eight hours.

“I always used to pop up and make some spooky noises around 1:00 AM just to give the kid a jolt” said the monster. “Nowadays, he’s always up at the library, studying for a chemistry test or doing stats homework. It’s like he doesn’t even know that getting a full night’s sleep is imperative for good academic performance.”

The monster also detailed that, on the rare occasions when Levine does re-enter his room, he only hunches over his laptop and falls asleep for a few meager hours at his desk. Using the bed, as the monster pointed out, would not only provide important scaring opportunities, but it would almost certainly relieve Levine of his back pain and poor posture.

Shortly after the monster under the bed’s statement, the monster in the closet also voiced concern over how infrequently Levine does his laundry.