Student Unsure How to Politely Tell Roommate There is “No Chance in Hell” They’ll Live Together Next Year

COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year. 

“She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so critical of me. I would literally rather eat nails than spend another waking moment with her in my household.” 

“I’ve been thinking of a lot of ways to be polite about it. Every time she asks me how my day was I tell her that I’ve just come back from an amazing studio apartment tour. When I see her napping on the couch, I start whispering ‘don’t live with me” to her over and over again. I’ve even started putting some of my stuff in moving boxes to emphasize how I plan to move out. It’s really inconvenient when I’m trying to pick out my outfit for the day, but I’m doing it like this because this is much kinder than telling it to her face.”

When asked whether her roommate had taken the hint, Check explained her multi-step plan to simulate the experience of not living together. “I’ve been avoiding making eye contact and cutting off all communication with her,” said the considerate sophomore. “Even if she doesn’t get the hint I hope I can gently ease her into the lifestyle of living apart.”

“I just don’t think that I can live with someone who can’t respect the way I live,” Check concluded, leaning back on her kitchen countertop and jostling a pile of rotting fruit. Several cockroaches emerged and scuttled over to a mountain of unwashed dishes in the sink. Of the moment, Check commented, “Oh, don’t worry about the mess. It’s my stuff, I’ll clean it eventually.”

Friends From Different States Have Different Fast Food

ALICE COOK HOUSE— After realizing they were accustomed to different fast food chains, Alex Garza ‘21 and Jonathan Leftwich ‘21 engaged in a fifteen minute discussion on Tuesday about which fast food restaurants they eat at in their respective hometowns.

At first, Garza, a Texas native, seemed shocked that the Massachusettsan Leftwich had never eaten a Whataburger. Leftwich in turn looked at Garza with disgust after he claimed that to have never “gone to dunks.”

But as the conversation progressed, both students said they grew to appreciate the diversity in their hometown fast food backgrounds. “I hadn’t thought before about what life would be like without In-N-Out around the corner,” said Garza. “I think I’m very privileged I am to not have a subpar burrito place be what everyone thinks about as ‘Dallas fast food.’”

“If Alex and I can be friends despite these massive cultural differences, I think there is hope for this nation to come together in these turbulent times,” said Leftwich.

At press time, the two sophomores were locked in a deep conversation about the differences in weather patterns between Texas and Massachusetts.