CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. 

“As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been down in the dumps,” noted a spokesperson for CUPD. “Our new tickets are meant to remind people of the holiday spirit and bring a smile to their faces. When you get a ticket, we’re not just reminding you of your legal trouble. We’re also saying happy holidays!” 

Multiple versions of the tickets will be rolled out, unique to the offense. Overtime meter tickets will be emblazoned with popular character Frosty the Snowman. Double parking tickets now feature two reindeer pulling a Santa’s sleigh. Most festive of all are the prohibited area tickets, which are shaped like Christmas trees. 

“At first the $180 worth of tickets I had amassed made me want to break down in tears,” commented student Jerome Hyunh ‘22. “When I saw the sticker ornaments and glitter garlands on my Christmas tree ticket, though, it reminded me there’s more to life than the overwhelming despair I felt at the prospect of having to pay rent late for such a minor mishap!” 

Plans are currently underway to replace the typical siren emitted by CUPD cars with an infinite loop of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” throughout the holiday season.

Student Won’t Stop Bragging About his Back of Mezzanine Tickets for Eric Andre

STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket.

“All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed out, and they pathetically offered hundreds of dollars for tickets, but here I am, sitting pretty in one of the best seats in high fourth quadrant of Bailey Hall,” said Kilbourne, scrolling through Eric Andre’s Wikipedia page to figure out if he’s famous or something.

Kilbourne’s Cornell Concert confirmation email is currently his phone’s lock screen and his profile photo on multiple social media platforms.

“Other students just lacked the drive and perseverance to click through an endless series of confirmation pages,” Kilbourne boasted. “Sucks that they’ll never get to sit in my sick-ass seat in the far back corner of the mezzanine. I’m able to see all of Bailey Hall, and most of the stage.”

Despite initial excitement over his accomplishment, Kilbourne skipped the CUPB-presented performance to attend a “sick rager” thrown by an elite fraternity.