Trustee Meeting on Improving University Transparency Closed to Public

DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public.

“We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this university that we are committed to an inclusive discussion. Therefore, this meeting will take into account a diverse range of the one to two perspectives authorized to attend,” said Chairman Tom Chasney ’82, who has been spearheading the drive for administrative candor since the beginning of the year.

“We are thrilled that the administration is taking student inclusion seriously,” said Student Assembly representative Eric Nicholson ‘17. “I am confident in positive results from this meeting held inside steel reinforced sound-buffering concrete walls with double-locked palladium alloy doors.”

The Board Chairman recognizes that there are still improvements to be made and has subsequently moved the meeting to an undisclosed off-campus location.

To Increase Trust With Students, CUPD Will Now Snapchat Every Arrest It Makes

DAY HALL — Following increased calls for transparency, CUPD has decided that in addition to using body cameras, it will Snapchat every arrest it makes in an attempt to gain the trust of the Cornell community.

Under the handle “coolcopz”, Cornell’s finest will keep their Snapstory updated with a constant feed of misdemeanors and faceswaps with felons. “But we understand that gets a little heavy, so we’ll add cute snaps of our drug dog, too,” promised Officer Greg Linder.

“Snapchat would allow us to send shaky ten-second videos of criminals in action with a geotag,” said Chief Kathy Zoner, explaining that this could help CUPD connect with students in a familiar and relatable way.

“By sending mass snaps, we’re building a relationship with the student body that allows for greater accountability,” said a confident officer before choosing the flower crown filter, pursing his lips into a “duck-like” formation, and submitting his selfie to the Ivy League Snap Story.