WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences. “Cornell…
ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other…
To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month. “We wanted to make…
BARTELS RINK—Enthusiastic and slightly confused Cornell sports fans packed the stands this past weekend at what some called “the strangest hockey game ever.” “I’d never seen anything like it,” shared Connel McMillen ‘25. “The ice rink was rectangular and the players didn’t have hockey sticks. The puck was round and orange and they sort of…
OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature. A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of…
LYNAH RINK—Confusion quickly broke out among Cornell Hockey Team players Saturday upon discovering they had misinterpreted Coach Mike Schafer’s directive to “play like a Cornell man” as a request to throw the Colgate game. According to Team Captain Caleb Johnson ‘24, Schafer’s statement appeared to indicate players should exhibit a subpar performance in accordance with…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
COLLEGETOWN—Amongst the Halloween revelers, ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at this year’s Halloween festivities stood a group of costumes so outrageous that passersby were seen running and screaming from the scene. “There- there was a Josh Allen, a Travis Kelce, a Tom Brady, and a Lamar Jackson,” said a still shaking Fernando Robertson ’26. Now normally…
