COLLEGETOWN—The proclivities of Collegetown roommates have inevitably emerged, and the victims of the 901 College Ave Apt-1 lease quickly realized that living together was about to go from string lights and girl nights to full-on fist fights. Held hostage by a lease, the girls couldn’t escape Lilith Quinn ‘26, self-proclaimed group leader. “The second I…
ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…
URIS HALL—The second week of classes started uneventfully, with students settling into their routines and professors getting to know their classes. However, a few terrified students in Uris Hall G01 were in for a cruel surprise. “The professor seemed more irritated than last week. Maybe because only half the class showed up after he said…
ONCE UPON A TIME—There was a little freshman in a little red hoodie, and so the student body called her Little Red Riding Hoodie. Little Red Riding Hoodie ‘29 was returning from her evening chem lab when she got a Crime Alert warning her to look out for a big, bad coyote. She did not…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—As the end of the school year nears, most clubs have begun to elect new executive boards to lead. However, future totalitarian Emma Wills ‘25 (?) has declined to answer whether she will seek a third term as President of Cornell Political Union. As President of the political group for both the fall…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Every so often, a governing body accomplishes a feat so momentous that it defines an era, and is immortalized in the annals of history: the Declaration of Independence; the Emancipation Proclamation; the Louisiana Purchase. Thanks to a resolution passed just last week, Cornell’s Student Assembly can claim its own spot in this illustrious…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs. The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger,…
