NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
ARTS QUAD—Following a weekend of Halloween festivities, Sean Kenneth ‘28 was found Monday sporting a short-sleeve shirt in 55°F weather and white Cayuga Medical Center ID bracelet. “Oh, this?” he was reported to have said repeatedly throughout the day. “It’s a long story, actually it’s pretty crazy. But it’s nothing bro, like seriously don’t worry…
MORRISON HALL—Late at night, many students will use “instant foods” to fuel themselves during their long stretches of studious work. But this semester, residents at Morrison Hall have been trying a new brand of instant ramen for anything but their studies. “Usually when I’m trying to be a nuisance and wake up my neighbors, I…
NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween is quickly approaching, and friend groups are getting together their last-minute group costumes. Among one group of friends, the selection process is exceedingly contentious, with each girl vying for their favorite character. However, Zara Saunders ‘28, the only minority in her friend group, already knows who she’s going to be. This year, Saunders…
URIS LIBRARY—Despite increasingly unsubtle attempts to temper expectations for an upcoming group presentation, straight-A classmate Ava Hoffman ‘28 still hasn’t taken the fucking hint. “I don’t think this is going to be graded too harshly,” said Gavin Wu ‘27, who knew he was completely fucked when Hoffman created a group chat three weeks before the…
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
NORTH CAMPUS—502 Dearborn, a cooperative living space on North Campus, offers students a non-traditional living situation. Unlike dorm living, residents have access to a house of their own, a fully stocked pantry, and 14 or 15 horny polysexuals ready to fuck on a dime. “We cook together, we clean together, we have weekly fuck-parties in…
MORRISON DINING HALL— With nearly 4,000 students matriculating into Cornell’s Class of 2029, the entire student body has felt the effects of this massive influx: forced triple and quadruple dorms, long lines at service centers, and—perhaps worst of all—dining halls packed around the clock. With the infrastructure clearly unable to handle so many students, Cornell’s…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of Americans joined No Kings protests across the country on Saturday to demonstrate nonviolently against the Trump administration. While record-breaking turnouts from Ithaca to the nation’s capital were one encouraging sign of growing anti-fascist coalition, even more impressive was participants’ fervent desire to put on the greatest talent show this nation has ever…
ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
