Last Thursday on X (formerly Twitter), Marjorie Taylor Greene, a House Republican from Georgia, doubled down on her claims of a shadowy “they” capable of “[controlling] the weather.” This assertion comes in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which left a path of destruction across the southeast; Hurricane Milton, which was upgraded to a category five…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
PLANNED PARENTHOOD—Amidst the end-of-year sentimentality, everyone’s favorite period-tracking app couldn’t help but jump on the new “wrapped” trend, announcing an update to show users’ end-of-year period-related data. “The new feature contains dozens of exciting statistics you’ve never wanted to see or know!” stated spokesperson Jonas Piercy. “For example, did you know that of the 47…
ITHACA, NY – According to a report released by MomsRising today, it is officially too late to buy a card and send it home for Mother’s Day. The report goes on to say that even though the post office is open on Sundays, cards still cannot make it in time. Students on campus are shocked…
Goddammit. I hate all you people so much. Stop it. Seriously, just stop taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree. Don’t play dumb, you know which one I’m talking about, next to Olin library, its bright pink and in full bloom. Yeah, fucking magical. I get it. But you don’t need to take another photo…
ITHACA, NY – Fifty fun-loving Cornell students took a break from classes last Thursday to hold a festive block party on East Avenue and Tower Road, likely in celebration of another successful year of studying. “We believe that shared governance at Cornell is extremely important,” stated one wacky partier, her eyes brimming with laughter. “Students…
After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm. Rogers explained…
WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…
GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…
