DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…
WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected. “Thank…
ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great to be back on campus!”…
ROCKEFELLER HALL — The Slope Day Programming Board finally announced today the headlining act for Slope Day 2015. This announcement comes after weeks of anticipation and curiosity building among students, who are now relieved to at long last know the identity of this year’s musician. “I love the artist they picked! I listen to their…
Citing your apparent interest in films with poorly written scripts and subpar performers, Cornell department issued a press release today calling your taste in pornography “simply atrocious.” “It is almost painful for us to look through [your] web history everyday and see that [you] just watch the first three films that pop up on Pornhub’s…
CORNELL CINEMA—After weeks of mobilizing students to save Cornell Cinema, Simone Ellis ‘19 reacted to the S.A. and Administration’s agreement to establish secure Cinema funding by purchasing movie tickets for the first time. “Cornell Cinema is one of the best benefits of attending this school, so of course I was outraged when it was almost…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. “Overcoming the gridlock and division…
DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen. “We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now…
