January 23, 2014

Headlines

“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee
12 months ago12 months ago
“There’s a Day Hall?” Asks a Confused Martha Pollack Wandering Onto Campus for the Third Time This Year
12 months ago12 months ago
President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare
12 months ago12 months ago
President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff
12 months ago12 months ago
OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)
12 months ago12 months ago
“Uppies?” Lightweight Wrestling Team Member Desires to Dunk a Basketball
12 months ago12 months ago

Kitchen Sink Becomes Top Fraternity Bid After Beer-Chugging Victory

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – After chugging a remarkable 93 beers without the slightest sign of intoxication, a kitchen sink is now the number one bid across all of Cornell’s top fraternity houses. “I’ve seen a lot of heavyweight drinkers in my time, but then this hunk of metal and pipes shows up and puts them all…

Returning Freshman Excited About New Years Resolution to Go to the Gym, Ace Classes, Make New Friends, Have Lots of Sex, and Party Every Weekend

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…