Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…
ITHACA, NY—While walking up the slope from her dorm on West Campus last Wednesday, Michelle Boyer ’16 could not help but notice the frigid temperatures and grey weather surrounding her. Despite this climate being quite normal for the region, and this already being her second year on The Hill, Boyer remained puzzled by what she…
ITHACA-X7, NY – Bright eyed freshmen teeming around campus this August seem to share a similar complaint: Gates hall has got to go. The building, erected in 2014, was once a modern marvel created with a cutting-edge glass, a modern foundation and an innovative solar powered array. Today, the building sits unused and has been…
THE GREAT BEYOND/ITHACA, NY – While historian Goldwin Smith is most notably remembered for his academic achievements, recent actions taken by the ghost of the celebrated professor have reminded the campus of his more deplorable beliefs. Smith, an Oxford educated historian was revered for his passionate study of history and colonialism. In 1911, a building erected…
ITHACA, NY-Professor James Karpman began his fourth lecture of the semester today by continuing to review the fundamental plans and curriculum outlines for BIO 2380. Students are reportedly getting restless at the professor’s thoroughly detailed overview of his course plans for the semester. “On the first day we went over the basics of what units…
ITHACA, NY-Although Martin Scorsese’s blockbuster The Wolf of Wall Street came out just weeks ago, students are already demanding more classes that will jumpstart their career aspirations of emulating the lifestyle of Jordan Belfort, protagonist of the film. Cornell has already responded to student’s demands, and has started creating classes that will be added to…
After a stressful and tense week at Ithaca town hall, the Mayoral staff was relieved to find Svante Myrick after his disappearance one week ago. “We figured he just got lost. He does that sometimes, but he usually comes back after a few days.” explained Myrick’s chief of staff Alex Ellers. Ellers continued “One time…
ITHACA, NY – Jeff Henderson, a Food Science major in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, described to reporters Friday that his endeavor to taste all available flavors of the microwavable turnover brand Hot Pockets is a part of his departmental research under the mentorship of Professor Sheila Reynolds. “The goal of research is…
TRENTON, NJ-Amidst public outrage by Ithaca residents over the closing of East Avenue, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has publicly come out in support of the “construction” project. “Sometimes, a government or administrative body needs to use alternative means to teach it’s constituency a lesson. The most effective way to do so are through graft, bullying…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
