ITHACA, NY – After chugging a remarkable 93 beers without the slightest sign of intoxication, a kitchen sink is now the number one bid across all of Cornell’s top fraternity houses. “I’ve seen a lot of heavyweight drinkers in my time, but then this hunk of metal and pipes shows up and puts them all…
ITHACA, NY – Determined to bounce back from her disappointing Fall semester at Cornell, returning freshman Maddie Campbell reportedly “has a really good feeling” about her New Years resolution to go to the gym, ace her classes, make new friends, have lots of sex, and party every weekend. “It’s all about the mindset,” Campbell explains,…
ITHACA, NY – Students of Harold Gerdfich were elated to find out the “totally down to earth” professor is preparing a tight 5 minutes of standup for the first day of class, despite undergoing divorce proceedings that will likely leave him penniless, alone, and eventually suicidal. “The kids just love it when I do self-deprecating…
ITHACA, NY-Upon returning to campus this week, freshmen were surprised to learn that this semester would also be cold. “Of course I had heard a lot about Ithaca’s infamous winters, but I figured the spring semester would be warmer,” said Francesca Napoli ’17, whose hometown of Millburn, New Jersey features four distinct seasons. “I typically…
ITHACA, NY- Recent studies show that the fraternity your dad was a member of is now completely full of douchebags. This news comes as a disappointment after dad’s encouragingly fond memories of his Greek experience from 1980-1984. “These guys were my best friends, and I owe everything to the house,” said Dad, “I can’t imagine…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Although Rush Week at Cornell University can be hectic for the many involved, the stress has been overshadowed by what many are calling a “selfless outpouring of giving.” Multiple sources confirmed that female rushees are donating their footwear to the needy Ithaca community by leaving their boots outside sorority houses. “Uggs, Hunters,…
At approximately 10:09 pm, members of Kappa Chi fraternity entered the dorm room of Jeff Grossman ’17 to find the freshman AEM major vigorously masturbating. The fraternity members entered Grossman’s single with the intention of delivering positive feedback regarding his rush process so far. “Jeff seemed like a cool kid. He’s been coming by all…
Formal sorority recruitment provides freshmen girls with the opportunity to find the house that fits them best. Girls visit every sorority and their choices narrow down as the week goes on through a combination of their selections and those of the sorority sisters. This guide will help maximize your preparation for the week ahead. Choosing…
Rush week, the week preceding each spring semester used for Greek organization formal recruitment, can be a tricky time for potential new members. Unfamiliar terms like “smokers,” “contacts,” and “bids” are thrown around while meeting an influx of new people. It’s best to be as prepared as possible for a decision that can affect the…
In a story akin to classic Hans Christian Andersen folklore, Mayor Svante Myrick reportedly began his week by strolling nude throughout the streets of Ithaca. Myrick was promptly arrested for indecent exposure and disorderly conduct. “I just figured no one would be around over break. I thought everyone went home for vacation.” said Myrick. At…
