High School Valedictorian Incapable of Completing Basic Household Tasks

Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations.

“ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College Town apartment.

Unfortunately, it seems that despite her 4.3  high school GPA, and 34 act score Ward is completely incapable of completing even the most basic of household tasks. Dirty plates, spilled yogurts, and moldy half eaten bagels litter the floor of the National Merit Scholarship winner’s bedroom.

“Over here is the letter telling me I won [the scholarship]… I like to keep it  around…you know just for bragging rights.” Ward said as she pulled the milk stained paper from underneath a pile of unwashed clothes.

Despite the high likelihood of Ward dying from Salmonella poisoning before she graduates, she is already looking towards the future, “I’m hoping to apply for the Winston Churchill scholarship, and study at Cambridge for grad school,”

Ward’s roommates, who wish to remain anonymous seemed supportive, saying “That sounds great, just get her out of the country…anything to stop the smell.”

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