KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids. “Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. “Overcoming the gridlock and division…
It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Upon arriving to her first discussion section on Wednesday, Julie Witzeman ’20 was shocked to discover that she was placed into the section led by the bad TA. “Apparently my TA has a reputation for responding infrequently to emails, not explaining the important points, and taking points off assignments for every minor…
DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public. “We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this university that we are committed…
