Nooz Staff January 24, 2019

Op-Ed: I Would Like to Commission the Cornell Consulting Club to Find My Son.

It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son.

Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of the uniforms that call themselves the IPD since the day I moved here, which is why I’ve come to publicly ask the Cornell Consulting Club for help. In the same manner you found the discrepancies and exaggerations in the SA’s report on the Cornell Cinema, I would like you to find the whereabouts of my boy.

Payment will not be an issue. All you need do is to name your price. What do you need? Fame, money, sex? Whatever the Cornell Cinema gave you, I can double it. I’ve got more than byline funding. I have connections from my past that can make anything you want happen– untraceably. I will give anything as long as you, the Cornell Consulting Club, can find who or what has dared take my sweet, sweet baby boy.

Perhaps a decade ago, I might have taken things into my own hands. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. But that’s not me anymore; I’ve tried to move on. Thought I could start a new life in upstate New York, away from the hustle and bustle. And yet here I am. That’s why I need you, Cornell Consulting Club. With your penchant for getting down to the nitty gritty facts of it all, what I ask of you is to get down to the nitty gritty facts of where my beloved offspring is. All you must do is give me the name. I will do the rest.

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