Cornell Sets Pre-Enroll Start Time To 2am To Better Accommodate Waking Hours of Average Student

COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning.

“We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen students in Duffield at 2:00am wailing about finishing their CS assignments, but there’s not a soul there at 7:30am. I like to walk through them when it’s completely empty and just sit in every chair, one by one. Really mark my scent, you know?”

Before Monday morning, Morningstar had last slept Friday between the hours of 5:00am and 3:00pm, happily snoring through three irrelevant lectures reviewing content for the three prelims she had this week. She then spent the weekend day-drinking before finally starting to study at 10:00pm last Sunday, at which time she worked for four hours (with intermittent 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes, obviously) until her pre-enrollment window opened.

“I really appreciate how much the administration thought about the welfare of their students in making this decision,” Morningstar exclaimed. “What kind of psychopath is awake at 7:30am and asleep at 2:00am? No one I’d want to associate with, that’s for sure.”

After sleeping 15 hours, Morningstar awoke and realized that she had accidentally enrolled in twelve different bowling sections instead of her required courses.

“You Shouldn’t Have Done That,” Says Levitating, Glowing-Eyed Professor as Student Stays in Class Past Drop Deadline

BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period.

According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first lecture of the semester to see “what those funny numbers on Student Center are all about.” Suddenly, Baker Hall’s seasonal affective disorder-inducing dimness turned to supernatural darkness as all doors to the classroom slammed shut.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” warned Jackson as her feet drifted off the floor, body propelled only by the sheer rage caused by spending twenty years in Baker Hall. Invisible hands yanked a struggling Weiss from his .25x.25” desk and dragged him to the center of the lecture hall before a glowing-eyed Jackson. “Once you had hopes, dreams, a chance of graduating with a C average. But now? You’re nothing.” Jackson then used her newfound psychic abilities to banish Weiss to the 8 AM Lecture Zone, an interdimensional prison in which each minute is as long as a lifetime of suffering.

When asked for comment, Weiss’s classmates responded by chanting “GLORY TO CHEM 3090!” in unison as they too began drifting upwards to the darkening sky.