Wistful Alum Stares Longingly at Table in Duffield Where They Once Hit Rock Bottom

DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life.

“Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a bit…I used to come here all the time!” exclaimed Bauer as he walked past the alcove where he once spent an adderall-fueled night completing three problem sets after being rejected by dozens of companies, broken up with, and just generally sent on a downward spiral.

“I remember hangin’ out with the guys, grabbin’ a bite to eat at Mattin’s,” said Bauer with a nostalgic look on his face, referring to his frequent “brunners” junior year in which he ate all three meals in a single sitting. On several occasions, having not showered in multiple days, Bauer would then pass out in one of Duffield’s cold metallic seats, having truly bottomed out in terms of life.

“These are the best years of your life, kid!” Bauer said knowingly to an underclassman passerby, walking past the bathroom where he had once spent the afternoon wiping away tears as the crushing weight of his academic, extracurricular, and social commitments slowly plunged him into a state of abject misery.

Bauer’s next stop was the streets of Collegetown, where he would experience a sentimental moment outside the fraternity annex where he once drank himself into oblivion and was subsequently hospitalized.

Cornell Clubs Strike Down Eviction Moratorium for Alumni Lingering in Group Chats

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.

 

“While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does not mean we can simply override club rules at the drop of a hat,” said George Adrian ‘22, vice president of the hip-hop tribute group 2Pacapella. “Any such policy would have to be put in place by the SAFC itself.”

 

The moratorium, which has extended all the way back to March 2020, grew increasingly divisive throughout the summer of 2021 as two fully graduated classes lingered in undergrad-specific clubs. Hailed as a crucial protection by advocates and derided as an unjustified handout by critics, the unofficial but near-universal policy faced renewed backlash as past members began to take space away from 2025 first-years. Still, its removal has been met with mixed emotions, with the harshest criticism coming from the affected classes.

 

“I did so much for that club, and this is how they repay me?” cried Cam Elliott ‘20. “My whole life was back there in 2Pacapella. Where am I supposed to go now? People tell me to just find another singing group devoted to the life and works of Tupac Shakur, but they don’t know it’s not that simple. Cast out alone, I may be forced to join some group exalting a much less influential artist… god, I can’t even imagine what that would mean for me.”

 

At press time, clubs announced that executive board chats would be exempt from the ruling “in case we don’t know how some of the stuff works.”

Forty-Five-Year-Old Alum Feeling Real Bold in Daily Sun Comment Section

BLOOMINGTON, IN– After reading a Cornell Daily Sun article that he did not agree with, 45-year-old alum David Waller ‘96 dauntlessly decided to express his discontent in the publication’s comment section.

Turning on the caps button on his keyboard, Waller lamented  his alma mater’s fall from grace when it comes to political discourse around campus. “BACK IN MY DAY ONLY THE OPINIONS OF PEOPLE LIKE ME MATTERED,” Waller stated. “NOW YOU HAVE PEOPLE THINKING THINGS I DON’T BELIEVE AND CORNELL SHOULD BE ASHAMED AS A RESULT,” he opined.

When met with responses from current students, Waller decided to show off his superior intellect and non-snowflakeness by responding with more caps-locked sentences and gifs. To add a cherry on top and truly outwit his critics, Waller used the “laughing emoji” reaction in order to truly prove that their opinions were not even worth a proper response.

Do not be mistaken however! Should he have chosen to engage further in the argument, our middle-aged Facebook warrior would have certainly destroyed any opponent who dared challenge him, and masterfully changed their mind to the correct opinion on the particular matter.

 

 

Convocation Committee Just Gives Up and Puts On Episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy”

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation.

“Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and scrambling to put something together at the last minute after someone drops out isn’t easy,” said committee member Sarah Finkelstein ‘19. “Hopefully these decades-old VHS tapes of Bill differentiating between sedimentary and metamorphic rocks entertain all the seniors for at least 40 minutes, or at least get them excited about science.”

Before settling on their final plans, the Convocation Committee also considered putting on an episode of “The Magic Schoolbus” and taking everyone at Convocation on a field trip to the Johnson Museum.

“Those other two ideas sounded relatively simple and fun, but it turns out Bill Nye actually went to school here. Once we realized we could tie our last minute ass-covering plan to Cornell, the decision pretty much made itself,” added Convocation Committee Chair Maya Doyle ‘19.

Though Bill Nye offered to actually come speak in person after hearing the news, the committee chose not to accept as choosing someone who offered to come beforehand would make them look desperate and unprepared.

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out.

Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman year. He continued drinking until kickoff, when the father of three stumbled over to his old fraternity to show his children how “Pi Delta Pi goes harder than every other frat on campus.”

“Dad loves to talk about how his college experience made him into the man he is today, and it’s really great to see him enjoying his trip down memory lane,” said Cohen’s daughter Emily, who added that her father “hasn’t been this faded since he got banned from Hideaway last year.”

At the start of the game’s third quarter, the 58-year-old Chicago tax attorney ended his day passed out on his fraternity’s lawn, another successful Homecoming weekend completed.

Cornell Alumnus ‘79 Still On Ukulele Club Listserv

WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv.

“I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even is a ukulele, some kind of bird?”

Email was an exciting phenomenon in 1975, and has since often stumped students using it for their clubs. Ukulele Club members, for instance, have been unable to figure out how to remove alumnae such as Cromwell from their listserv for over four decades.

“We send out maybe 1, 2 emails out a day to over 7000 members with meeting times and songs to listen to,” said current club president Winnie Kuroda ‘19, not realizing that of the 7000, 86% have graduated, over half have never touched a ukulele, and maybe 50 have died from old age.

Sources confirmed that Cromwell ‘79 plans to finally check out what the club has to offer, as he has become quite the bird enthusiast lately.

Skits Alum ‘93 Surprised ‘Women Belong In the Kitchen’ Joke Isn’t Killing Like It Used To

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Go see The Skits Present: Shouldn’t We Have Graduated By Now – A 25th Anniversary Alumni Show, Saturday, March 10th at 9:00pm in Barnes Hall. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com

BARNES HALL—The much anticipated Skits 25th anniversary show hit an awkward patch during rehearsals, when returning member Landon Johnson ‘93 performed an off-color sketch about gender norms.

“I don’t get it, we did the same exact sketch where we made Balch Hall an elaborate kitchen 25 years ago, and the bit killed! I remember Candace made a damn good sandwich joke,” said Johnson.

Current Skits members noted their discomfort working with Johnson for his archaic manners, such as referring to female members as “broads” and advising them to smile more for the actual show.

“Yeah this guy really seems stuck in the past, but he’s our founder so I couldn’t stop him from coming. He even kept incorrectly referring to Jared as club president,” said Jackie Parcells ‘18, current Skits president.

After several groans and a prolonged silence during practice runs, the comedy group has decided to also cut Johnson’s second skit about the Native American program house being an ancient burial ground.

Freshman Faking Allergies to Live in Mews Deemed ‘Bratty’ by Roommate Using Alumni Connections

NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections.

“Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to live in an air conditioned dorm? To me, that’s really immature and elitist,” said Anderson, who was placed in the dorm as a result of her well-to-do family’s connections despite a lackluster high school career.

Anderson went on to state that she was placed in the dorm because she had written a personalized, persuasive note to her father’s old fraternity brother, Rick “Jackhammer” Moriarty, who is currently in charge of campus housing.

“I mean [Ella’s] just so frustrating,” said Park. “I got a doctor’s note from my parents, two very busy plastic surgeons, for a ‘mold allergy’ that I don’t have just to live in Mews, and I’m starting to think that I should have taken my chances in the lottery like everyone else. Even a forced triple in Low Rise 6 is starting to sound better than living with such a whiny, spoiled bitch.”

The two roommates hadn’t known one another before moving into their double in August, when neither Park nor Anderson would take out the trash or clean their communal space, as neither roommate had ever gone more than a week without a housekeeper to do it for them.

At presstime, Anderson’s mother was overheard on the phone with Gretchen Ritter complaining that her daughter’s placement in Chem 2070 was not inappropriate given her 4 on the Chemistry AP, while Park’s parents were drafting a letter to interim President Rawlings requesting a new TCAT route that better fits their daughter’s class schedule.