Cornell Announces Worst Member of Class of 2020

DICKSON HALL — A month into fall semester, the Worst Student of the Class of 2020 has officially been announced as James Romm, selected from over over 3200 students of this year’s freshmen.

“We are pleased to reveal that, after locking himself out of his dorm room twice in one week, James Romm is now the worst freshman on campus,” stated Associate Dean of Students Arthur Metzger, who also congratulated Romm on his attempt to go to RPCC brunch on a weekday.

Floormates of Romm in his Dickson second floor hall have spoken out saying he is a fantastic choice for Worst Student after he burned microwave popcorn and set off the fire alarm on three separate occasions.

“He’s certainly a great candidate,” said hallmate Steven D’Angela ‘20, “He’s borrowed my shampoo practically every week. I don’t think he actually owns any.”

Romm reportedly missed his award completely after not having checked his Cornell email since arriving on campus.

Organic Chemistry Professor Receives MacArthur “Genius Award” for Passing Own Exam

BAKER LAB — Dr. William Dichtel was awarded the highly prestigious MacArthur “Genius Award” Fellowship when he became the first person to pass an orgo prelim that he himself gave to his students.

When asked about how he earned the $625,000 recognition, Dichtel replied “I studied for a few hours, but at the end of the day it came down to luck.”

The last person to successfully manage a 70% or higher on his own chemistry exam was Nobel Prize-winning chemist and Cornell faculty member Peter Debye, back in 1943.

“I still can’t believe I was able to remember concepts I’d been teaching for 10 years,” said the ground-breaking researcher, who will likely get through his own class just barely managing a B+.

After he had accepted the award, Dichtel was found on Yahoo answers looking up this week’s problem set.