CIS Finally Gets to Second Base

A generous donation from Ann S. Bowers ‘59 has allowed Cornell’s College of Computing and Information Science to embark on an ambitious multi-year project aimed at finally helping its 2,000 students reach second base. 

“As CIS grows in scope and scale, we seek to prioritize the needs of students in our strategic development, which is why we’ve decided to pave over Hoy baseball field just so CS majors attending lectures in the new building can say they got to second base,” said Dean Kavita Rai. “We are aware that getting our computer science students past first base is itself a lofty goal, which is why we are unveiling construction in phases and soliciting unprecedented levels of funding for our biggest project yet,” she added. 

Kevin Miles-Cabet ‘22 laments that for computing seniors, the initiative is too little too late; “For the past four years, I’ve sat by the Gates Hall windows overlooking Hoy Field and watched caked up baseball players get to first, second, and even third base, all while knowing that as long as I was in Cornell computing, I’d never get that same chance. I’m really glad that CIS is pushing out into this new frontier, so that incoming classes of CIS majors can have the chance to get to second base that I never had” he stated. 

“Cornell seeks to be on the cutting edge of its field. We are always looking to be involved in the next big thing, whether that be sentient AI, quantum computing, or getting a CS major to second base” added Professor John Scott. 

Previous CIS partners Bill and Melinda Gates declined to be involved in the project. “Bill Gates isn’t made of money, and we have to selectively allocate our resources. Ending world hunger, halting climate change, and eradicating all disease are what we choose to focus on, simply because we believe those to be more realistic goals in this millennium than bringing a CS major anywhere in sight of third base” stated the Gates Foundation when reached for comment. 

Junior Drags Out Stained, Beer-Soaked Costume For Second Consecutive Halloweekend

COLLEGETOWN—Jessica Ashdale ’20 began unfurling her crumpled, uncomfortably-soggy baseball costume Friday evening in preparation for yet another weekend of costumed revelry.

“How the hell did I get beer on every inch of this costume?” Ashdale said while examining the wadded XXL t-shirt she last tossed in the corner of her apartment Sunday after a bout of day-drinking. “And what is this stain? I can’t tell whether it’s wine from the Friday pregame or fake blood from Sam’s ‘Sexy but Incompetent Nurse’ costume.”

While at first curious as to why her costume smelled so awful, to her horror Ashdale soon recalled having spilled a mango strawberry smoothie all over herself Saturday night.

“I guess if I fold this section, and turn so only my left side shows when taking photos, it could work?” said Ashdale, unsuccessfully trying to hide the more offensive spaghetti-sauce streaks with staples and whiteout. “ This would be so much more manageable if I could just rub out all the marker stains I got from hugging 18 different Lil Pumps and 6ix9ines I saw last weekend.”

After repurposing her bedraggled outfit into a “used napkin” costume, Ashdale strode confidently into the night, unaware that by Sunday her outfit would be little more than a couple strings of thread held together by beer and dried vomit.

Century-Long World Series Curse Lifted After Cornell Mentioned in Fox Broadcast

CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast.

“When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to preside over a gay marriage in 2013, I thought maybe Cornell would be mentioned in the seven-game championship battle between the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals,” said Sully Nelson ‘92, who said that he had come to expect baseball’s Fall Classic to ignore the Ivy League’s only land-grant university.

“My grandfather spent his entire life listening to each World Series to no avail, hoping to hear a brief mention of the place he spent the best four years of his life. This one’s for you, Gramps.”

Following the 2:00 a.m. celebrations of the historic namedrop, CUPD estimates it will take three days to fully clean Ho Plaza.