Shocking! Financial Aid Department Actually Just Three Cats Dressed Like Martha Pollack Swiping At A “Postpone Aid Award” Button All Day Long

DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day.

“I thought there would be actual people running the fin aid office,” Talbot confessed, “but I guess between Covid and budget cuts they just couldn’t afford it. Although I do think that if they were to hire any animals, you can’t get anyone more apathetic to your struggles than cats walking across computer keyboards and repeatedly sending out emails asking for my patience.”

The cats working at the financial aid’s office are named Cash, Payment, and Franklin. Each wears a different iconic Martha Pollack outfit, although Franklin often dresses like Ryan Lombardi instead.

“In fairness, the cats were kind of cute with their little pant suits and short brown wigs,” Talbot added. “Even the passive aggressive meow one of them let out when I asked if he could estimate when my award would be released was adorable.”

In a last-ditch effort to expedite the process, Talbot stole the “postpone aid award” button the office cats were so fond of, but they just moved on to ripping up printed copies of submitted W-2 forms instead.

Cornell’s Stray Cats Enter Week Three Of Vicious Turf War Over D.P. Dough Dumpster

COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have witnessed the horror from their windows.

“When it first started, my roommate and I thought that one group would push the others out quickly enough, but after the first couple of hours we realized that they were unrelenting,” said Leah Rustico, ‘22, before continuing “We hoped it would’ve been over that first night, but it quickly became the new normal.”

The turf war between the cat gangs has only grown worse since it first began, with both sides suffering many casualties. Most notably was that of Mittens from the Linden Ave contingent, who had been a favorite stray among Collegetown residents. A black cat with white paws, his nickname was derived from his feet looking as though he was wearing mittens. That was, until his final hours in which his white fur was caked with the blood of the cats from the Dryden Road gang.

Another prominent loss of the conflict was that of Whiskers, who long led the Dryden Road cat militia, before falling in battle to a tomcat. The exact details of their fight are sparse, although one source says it stemmed from a mutual interest in the same leftover Parmazone. When asked for a comment on the bloodbath being waged for their garbage, a D.P. Dough employee refused to comment beyond saying only “It’s the survival of the fittest and we care not who that may be. We have calzones to move and their petty war will not prevent that”.