Tag Archives: commencement

President Pollack Announces In-Person 2020 Commencement Was Actually Promised by Evil Twin, Gartha

ITHACA—In a statement released late on Sunday evening, Cornell University President Martha Pollack refuted claims that she had promised an in-person event for this fall’s commencing ceremony. According to Pollack, the initial statement assuring students that convocation would be held in-person had not actually been issued by her, but by Read More

“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like Read More