Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

A message from the Cornell Concert Commission

We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are.

We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that we for sure booked for the homecoming concert would be coming to Cornell. However, we are forced to cancel the concert that we were very busily preparing for because this meaniepants singer/band recently informed us he/she/they would be unable to come.

As angry as you probably are, there is no need to look any further into this travesty. We have told you all there is to know about the situation because the reason there is no homecoming concert is that the wet-bellied person or group of people that we had signed a contract with—don’t worry we have already shredded it—decided not to come, and not because we didn’t actually plan a concert.

Please carry on with your day. There is nothing more to ask. It was a bratty musician or several musicians that ruined the homecoming concert, not us.

“Young Thug Is a Lyrical Genius,” Say Cornell English Professors

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Huddled around a laptop streaming Young Thug’s song F Cancer to fully understand the meaning of the rapper’s lyrics, English Professors discovered that the lyrics to his songs are a masterpiece of poetry, brilliantly summarizing the human condition.

“Mr. Thug brilliantly works in themes of perseverance in the face of adversity in the line ‘she suck on that dick on the plane and I just called her airhead.’” English Professor Charlie Green commented, “I always tell my students, if you don’t understand what the author is saying, you’re not thinking hard enough, and you have to think pretty hard to understand what he is saying. The man is truly the next Shakespeare.”

It’s also possible Young Thug received schooling from great poets, hints Green, who added “Mr. Thug say, ‘Yeah fuck you, your momma and everything else, free the GOAT!’, and goats appear in nature, and Robert Frost writes about nature too. The connections are too close to ignore.”

This is what the great writers of the Beatnik movement have prepared us for. History has led to this moment. Mr. Thug is the literary genius of our generation.