Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

A message from the Cornell Concert Commission

We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are.

We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that we for sure booked for the homecoming concert would be coming to Cornell. However, we are forced to cancel the concert that we were very busily preparing for because this meaniepants singer/band recently informed us he/she/they would be unable to come.

As angry as you probably are, there is no need to look any further into this travesty. We have told you all there is to know about the situation because the reason there is no homecoming concert is that the wet-bellied person or group of people that we had signed a contract with—don’t worry we have already shredded it—decided not to come, and not because we didn’t actually plan a concert.

Please carry on with your day. There is nothing more to ask. It was a bratty musician or several musicians that ruined the homecoming concert, not us.