2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives.

“It’s  exactly how I remembered it,” said Monica Gomez ‘20. “The excitement and anticipation building for months only to come crashing down in the form of an accusatory email right before the big day? That’s the Cornell that I know and love.”

While graduates expressed some interest in festivities such as the fireworks and laser shows, they overwhelmingly agreed that these events’ cancelations truly made them feel at home. Many reasoned that while such events might be nice, they would feel out of place for alumni whose college experiences came to be defined by Zoom.

“I was honestly a little disappointed that there were so many things going on—it just didn’t feel like my life at Cornell, you know?” said Kenny Callaway ‘20. “But now, this weekend’s gonna be so nostalgic: bad wifi connections, people forgetting to mute themselves, sitting alone in my room watching a shitty DJ perform 2000 miles away… that’s truly befitting of the class of 2020.”

Several alumni noted with dismay that the football game would still take place, but reasoned that completely ignoring Cornell athletics was another worthy school tradition.

Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. 

“This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel like a real Cornell homecoming unless we suffered a devastating loss in the most highly attended home game of the season.”

While some players initially expressed concern about the sportsmanship of throwing the game, the entire senior class was won over by a speech from Punter Mallex Washington ‘20, who convinced his teammates that this game was about more than the selfish desire to win. 

“Mallex reminded us that we play for the thousands of students who expect us to play Cornell Football out there every weekend. If that means we have to intentionally lose on homecoming, then so be it,” said Wide Receiver J.T. Flores ‘20, who dropped 4 passes on Sunday. 

When word of the seniors’ plot made its way to Head Coach David Archer he was irate. At today’s early morning team video session, he verbally reprimanded his senior class and placed all 11 players on indefinite suspensions. At press time, Archer was reportedly drafting an email to his players highlighting the Big Red’s .550 career winning percentage and “recent” 1939 National Championship season.


Photo Credit: Cornell Daily Sun (Borris Tsang)

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out.

Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman year. He continued drinking until kickoff, when the father of three stumbled over to his old fraternity to show his children how “Pi Delta Pi goes harder than every other frat on campus.”

“Dad loves to talk about how his college experience made him into the man he is today, and it’s really great to see him enjoying his trip down memory lane,” said Cohen’s daughter Emily, who added that her father “hasn’t been this faded since he got banned from Hideaway last year.”

At the start of the game’s third quarter, the 58-year-old Chicago tax attorney ended his day passed out on his fraternity’s lawn, another successful Homecoming weekend completed.

OP-ED: Campus Not What it Used To Be Five Months Ago

By a member of the Class of 2017

Ah, to be back at my good ol’ alma mater, the beautiful campus on the hill, far above Cayuga’s waters. Oh what fond memories I have of this place! I must say, though, this campus is really not what it used to be five months ago.

Look at these youngins, such fresh faces not yet hardened by the trials of the real world. What I wouldn’t give to feel that youthful energy coursing through my veins again. To see that spark of inspiration brought by budding dreams and aspirations brings such joy to these tired eyes! I still remember that passionate speech by President Skorton given to my undergraduate class when we were all just bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Oh but look how I’m aging myself!

These kiddos will probably be hitting up all the fraternity parties tonight, won’t they? They may even chance the bars in ol’ C-town with their fake IDs—ha! If only I still had the resilience to make my rounds around town two nights in a row. Who am I kidding—these grasshoppers probably went out on Wednesday night as well!

Walking around these familiar halls, I can’t help but feel somewhat nostalgic; my life was so much simpler back then, worrying about inconsequential exams instead of having to pay the rent. Who knows what students these days are bothering themselves over? They probably frustrate themselves with downloading the latest gadget to live-steam their lectures or what have you. Back in my day, we sat in on our lectures in person!

But times are a’ changin, I know, I just hope that still no one actually watches football, so I can do my keg stand and head home.

Campus Loses Bet After Football Win

SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon.

“I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a new pair of shoes.

Hundreds of Cornell alumni came to campus for the Big Red’s first game in the Ivy League conference, with the intention of putting money on the Yale Bulldogs in hopes to make a surefire buck.

“I brought the kids out here for the big game, and sure we won, but now my wife insists I need to stop gambling,” said Trevor Liebman ’83.

At press time, Football Head Coach David Archer was seen slumped over in the locker room softly muttering the phrase “I’m ruined.”

Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

A message from the Cornell Concert Commission

We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are.

We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that we for sure booked for the homecoming concert would be coming to Cornell. However, we are forced to cancel the concert that we were very busily preparing for because this meaniepants singer/band recently informed us he/she/they would be unable to come.

As angry as you probably are, there is no need to look any further into this travesty. We have told you all there is to know about the situation because the reason there is no homecoming concert is that the wet-bellied person or group of people that we had signed a contract with—don’t worry we have already shredded it—decided not to come, and not because we didn’t actually plan a concert.

Please carry on with your day. There is nothing more to ask. It was a bratty musician or several musicians that ruined the homecoming concert, not us.

Passion Pit Desperately Trying to Learn Lyrics to Own Songs Before Homecoming Concert

BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs.

“Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing along to every song at this concert,” said band member Michael Angelakos to the rest of the music group, as they waited for a Spotify ad to finish so they could start listening to their hit song “Sleepyhead”.

“ ‘Of your eyes, begonia skies like a sleepyhead?’ Who knew that’s what we said there! I never would have guessed that. We’re so screwed for Saturday night.”

It was later stated that if the band couldn’t memorize the lyrics in time, at least they all knew the instrumental parts to the really popular songs and could hum or whistle if they needed.