Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department.

“Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but nothing will ever give me the sexual supercharge of hearing his simultaneously raspy and wet voice, like a naked man belly crawling through damp grass or an old woman sucking sand through a straw. I tried listening to recordings of my grandpa on his deathbed, but he kept talking about shit like being ‘proud of me’ instead of incisive commentary on American consumerism. What a waste.”

With no end to the Spotify stalemate in sight, the students have been forced to find other ways to announce to the world that they have deeply boring daddy issues, such as wearing band t-shirts, not shampooing their shoulder-length hair, and insisting that vinyl sounds “so much warmer.”

“Without basing my personality entirely around the sense of superiority that comes from getting a rock hard boner from a vocal style best described as ‘clammy,’ I don’t know what to do with myself,” complained Lancaster. “My dad and I had a conversation that wasn’t about music for the first time in years, and it turns out we have nothing in common! If I can’t offload my feelings onto a vaguely sad four-chord guitar song right now, I might have to genuinely process my emotions about this.”

In response to suggestions that they purchase Neil Young’s discography, thus monetarily supporting the artist for the first time in their lives, the philosophy majors were seen begrudgingly adding “Blowin’ in the Wind” to their playlists instead.

Frat DJ’s Status Reconsidered After Accidentally Playing Tchaikovsky’s Op.71: No.14, “Pas De Deux” At Rush Event

UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite.

The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta Sig is no place for classical music and reiterating their hard work to maintain their reputation as “stinky, stinky menaces to society.”

The mistake was first noticed by Scottie McMasters, a freshman rushing the fraternity. “I was talking to the rush chair, Bongo, when I heard the most magical string melody coming from the speakers,” McMasters described. “It was hard to be sure over the sounds of everyone talking, so I asked Bongo if that was Tchaikovsky. He just told me that ‘there’s no one by that name in this frat’ before returning to our conversation about how even though our dads pay for our Mercedes, they’re still our cars.”

As more and more brothers were made aware of the abhorrent absence of Day ‘n’ Nite remixes playing, they hurled a barrage of insults at Hans. “I tried to convince them to at least wait until the horn section came in at the climax, but they were not having it,” sighed the impeached emcee.

Despite Hans’ egregious error, the Beta Sig nomination committee is struggling to find a replacement: “Nobody could play songs off Spotify and then twist knobs that aren’t connected to anything quite like him.”

Compassionate Professor Plays Calming Music During Prelim They Will Curve To A 65% Average

GATES HALLIn a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade.

“The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in with bags under their eyes and almost falling asleep in class and knew I had to do something,” said Professor John Snays. “So for our prelim, I shared my computer sound and played ‘lo-fi beats to study to’ on Youtube while I calculated how far I could get the class average to drop in one go.”

Students described Professor Snays going all out to provide a calm test-taking atmosphere, noting that he also burned incense and made his Zoom background a GIF of a burning fireplace. However, the Zen-like state of the Zoom room was not quite powerful enough to cure the students of the ulcers they developed preparing for the exam in the first place. 

“Yeah, sure, the Zoom aesthetic was nice, but he still hasn’t released any grade information beyond a Canvas announcement with the subject line ‘Disappointed in You All,’” mentioned Jesse Linerb ‘22. “Like, he wished us all good luck and everything right before the test, but I heard him laughing maniacally when I passed by his office a couple hours after the turn-in deadline.” 

Following the exam, leaked screenshots emerged of an easy question added to destress the students asking whether the sky was blue, which included the answer “All of the above” placed above the “Yes” option.

 

OP-ED: Getting Phoebe Bridgers To Perform A Virtual Concert Is The Closest Thing Cornell Has Done To Acknowledge Depression Amongst Students

ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get their mental health needs met, to no avail. Hell, take a look around campus and you’ll see just how bad it’s become. Like four out of every ten kids you see looks like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh and those are the ones who leave their rooms! 

All of these kids are clearly not getting what they want, but on February 13th, all of that will change with the first clear acknowledgement from Cornell that they see their depressed students. On Saturday, Cornell will host a virtual concert, but not with just any artist. Not with an artist whose music requires seamless brain chemistry to enjoy, but with the patron saint of depressed people under the age of 30: Phoebe Bridgers, whose music is most compatible with breakups, mourning, and a Prozac prescription. 

Hot on the heels of the Grammy-nominated Punisher, Bridgers is bringing her angelic voice, charming instrumentals, and emotionally-devastating lyrics to the laptop screens of Cornell students. Long before your QAnon-loving uncle was on Facebook posting his outrage at her guitar smashing, Bridgers was making a name for herself in the Indie scene with her poignant musings, providing adolescents with a soul-crushing soundtrack for the lows of young adulthood. As she makes her meteoric rise, Bridgers has an ever expanding discography that while quite popular with many other groups, seems to be loved most fervently by one group: bummed out motherfuckers. Joining the ranks of Buying Houseplants, Not Folding Their Laundry, and Staring At The Ceiling, Listening To Phoebe Bridgers has become one of the favorite activities among depressed people (ousting and replacing Listening To Bon Iver in the process). Across the vast spectrum of Sad Boys, the sharp pain of her music hits in a different way when the listener has hit a low point in life and is unfortunately able to relate to “Motion Sickness”.. 

Cornell enlisting Bridgers is a unique moment in which an unflinching, faceless monolith gave its mentally ill little tuition-payers something they like for once: an artist all depressed people love. In fact, if Phoebe sings “Chinese Satellite,” it might be the university’s most successful mental health initiative to date. It’s truly historic to think we not only get to witness Cornell acknowledge mental health needs among students in a preemptive way for a change but do so with a customized concert and Q&A with one of the finest artists for the emotionally unstable  today.

OP-ED: If The Beatles Were So Good, Why Did They Never Perform At Slope Day?

ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make their music good? No. In fact, a lot of their music sucks. The most obvious example of their absurd over-adoration? They never even performed at Slope Day.

Comprised of history’s most beloved homophobic wifebeater John Lennon, Kanye West-collaborator Paul McCartney, George Harrison (irrelevant even then), and musical genius Ringo Starr, the quartet’s “revolutionary” discography has aged like a tub of yogurt forgotten in a communal fridge over winter break. 

Every year, Cornellians gather for a celebration of fine arts and fun, headlined by esteemed musical guests such as Pulitzer winner Kendrick Lamar and Steve Aoki (whose music has been described as “grind on a stranger while under the influence of what you hope was ecstasy”). Since the annual Naval Ball in 1890, Slope Day has showcased a variety of musical talent and has been an important part of campus culture. Interestingly enough, the Beatles, who critics have described as “the most important band of all time,” has never performed at Slope Day. 

Other venerable acts, like Drake (who has more “slaps” than The Beatles) have graced the stage, but the British group is noticeably absent from the lineup. How can they be considered the “greatest” if they never travelled from London to Ithaca for the preeminent celebration of arts and culture in upstate New York? 

When Slope Day was revived in 1977, why did the group not reunite to honor the rich history of the festival? Why has John Lennon not been able to book a live gig since the 1980s? The simple answer is that they weren’t that good to begin with. With musical pioneers like Snoop Dogg and Gym Class Heroes gracing the Slope, the student body has not longed for the cacophonous music of The Beatles.

The Beatles are only celebrated by people born before the iPod was invented and decent music was widely accessible. In the minds of Cornellians with taste, The Beatles are, and will always be, trash for their failure to meet the standard set by icons-in-the-making like Rico Nasty, who performed at Slope Day, an event that has consistently captured the zeitgeist of each generation. 

Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots to his Instagram story. 

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with him,” said Wilson’s roommate Zain Nagpal ‘21. “He keeps asking me if I’ve heard of Tame Impala and won’t stop offering to lend me his own personal, “thrifted” CD. I might’ve taken it too, but he said he needed it for the next few weeks in case anyone swiped up to ask where he found such obscure bands.”

For Wilson, the first week of December is the  most wonderful time of the year. It’s a time when he can spend hours on end hunkered over his phone psychoanalyzing every single Spotify Wrapped that comes up on his feed, rendering his divine judgment unto any and all reprobates with Pop as their #1 Genre.

“I’ve been contemplating switching my major from AEM to Music, since I already know so much about the music scene,” said Wilson, after skimming half of a Rolling Stone article, “I don’t know if you’ve heard of this, but like, artists, don’t actually make that much off of streaming services.”

At press time, Wilson was seen frothing at the mouth while asking the cashier at CTB if he could “just have the aux for a minute” and linking his “On Repeat” playlist to his Instagram and Twitter bios.

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness.

“It’s gotten out of hand,” says Shaw’s suitemate Charlie Sedaris ‘23, “I had to move from our double into the single that opened up when our buddy dropped out after his first Orgo exam because he never left the room. He kept talking about how much he misses her and how a new Frank album would ‘hit.”’

Blonde, a genre-bending masterpiece that illustrates the peaks and valleys of love and heartbreak throughout young adulthood, has been in near constant rotation for Shaw ever since his girlfriend of six weeks “dumped” him prior to the start of the semester. “Brittany” (who asked to be named pseudonymously for fear of being associated with “that sad sack of shit”) ended their brief relationship on account of the “distance driven between them by Covid.” Both parties lived on West campus this semester. 

In the three months since, Shaw—nicknamed Saddington Bear by friends—has grown ever fixated on the prospect of a new release from Ocean. “I love the album, but even the “Nights” beatswitch gets predictable when you hear someone sobbing on-beat through the drywall every goddamn night over a girl he dated for less than half the time he’s spent wallowing in misery,” added Lonnie Breaux ‘23, another one of Shaw’s suitmates.

When asked if he’s listened to Endless or Nostalgia Ultra, Shaw appeared puzzled, asking, “who are those by?” revealing that he is not just a loser, but also a fucking poser.

Excited Freshman Just Going to Slope Day for the Music

LIBE SLOPE—Among the thousands of enthusiastic attendees ready to partake in the Slope Day festivities is Daniel Sebastian ‘22, whose only motivation for showing up is the wholesome and thorough consumption of music.

“You don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy EDM, especially not during the daytime,” said Sebastian. “I can’t wait to sing all the words to my favorite Steve Aoki song ‘MIC Drop (feat. Desiigner) [Steve Aoki Remix]’.”

Daniel plans to begin his Slope Day pregame by waking up at 7am, cracking open a cold bottle of orange juice, and getting in the mood by quietly shuffling a playlist of his three favorite artists of time: Steve Aoki, EZI, and Cousin Stizz. He then plans to arrive early so he won’t have to squeeze through the crowd to be just the right distance from the speakers for “the best acoustic experience.”

“He’s been talking about ‘Neon Future 1’ and I’m in the House’ (feat. Zuper Blahq), all week,” said Daniel’s roomate Michael Wills ‘22. “I honestly couldn’t care who plays Slope Day. I’ll probably be too drunk to even know there’s music playing.”

Daniel says all the Slope Day excitement he’s feeling now makes him want to join the Slope Day Committee one day so that he too could hire the perfect musician with the rare ability to get students pumped about an enormous concert and daylong binge-drinking.

Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

A message from the Cornell Concert Commission

We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are.

We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that we for sure booked for the homecoming concert would be coming to Cornell. However, we are forced to cancel the concert that we were very busily preparing for because this meaniepants singer/band recently informed us he/she/they would be unable to come.

As angry as you probably are, there is no need to look any further into this travesty. We have told you all there is to know about the situation because the reason there is no homecoming concert is that the wet-bellied person or group of people that we had signed a contract with—don’t worry we have already shredded it—decided not to come, and not because we didn’t actually plan a concert.

Please carry on with your day. There is nothing more to ask. It was a bratty musician or several musicians that ruined the homecoming concert, not us.

“Young Thug Is a Lyrical Genius,” Say Cornell English Professors

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Huddled around a laptop streaming Young Thug’s song F Cancer to fully understand the meaning of the rapper’s lyrics, English Professors discovered that the lyrics to his songs are a masterpiece of poetry, brilliantly summarizing the human condition.

“Mr. Thug brilliantly works in themes of perseverance in the face of adversity in the line ‘she suck on that dick on the plane and I just called her airhead.’” English Professor Charlie Green commented, “I always tell my students, if you don’t understand what the author is saying, you’re not thinking hard enough, and you have to think pretty hard to understand what he is saying. The man is truly the next Shakespeare.”

It’s also possible Young Thug received schooling from great poets, hints Green, who added “Mr. Thug say, ‘Yeah fuck you, your momma and everything else, free the GOAT!’, and goats appear in nature, and Robert Frost writes about nature too. The connections are too close to ignore.”

This is what the great writers of the Beatnik movement have prepared us for. History has led to this moment. Mr. Thug is the literary genius of our generation.