Male Student Pretends Not to Be Out of Breath While Walking up Slope With Friends

LIBE SLOPE—While trekking up Libe Slope last Tuesday, no-quit wolfpack alpha male Chad Roberts ’21 struggled to suppress his labored breathing in front of his friends.

“Are…you…guys…having…as…much… fun…as…I…am?” wheezed Roberts, as his ego and testosterone level started to deteriorate.

Mumbling something unintelligible, the real tough stand-up guy dropped to the ground and fiddled with his shoelace, a tactic his friends recognized as the oldest trick in the book.

“I thought Chad was in peak physical shape. He always talks about how much he can bench, and he dumps creatine in his coffee,” said confused observer Matt Herrington ‘20, before adding that the jacked beefcake was the kind of man’s man you’d want to have a beer with.

Sources confirmed that to redeem himself, the disgraced meathead pre-enrolled in PE 1250: Advanced Weight Training for the Spring, secretly wishing it was Swedish Massage.

Big Gigantic Hoping for Anniversary Chimes Concert in 40 Years

BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes.

“Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways Cornell’s 21-bell chime could eventually reproduce our unique fusion of jazz and hip-hop,” said Lalli, who believes that while his band may not be as popular as the Grateful Dead, the additions of MisterWives, Basstracks, and S’Natra will make Thursday’s Slope Day performance just as iconic as The Dead’s 1977 show.

“Also, if the chimesmasters need help choosing what songs to play, I’ve taken the time to select six from our vast collection of classic hits that would appeal to both passersby and the Big Gigantic megafans who will inevitably travel from all over to attend,” the confident musician added. “Of course, they may also want to play some songs we write in the forty years between now and the concert.”

When asked for comment, a representative for Cornell Chimes replied apologetically that their 2057 commemorative concert is already scheduled to be in honor of Gucci Mane.