BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week. “As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with…
MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition. “This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president….
Update: The former Vice President’s speech has been postponed due to him accidentally shooting the instructor and failing the class. STATLER AUDITORIUM—In anticipation of Dick Cheney’s visit to campus, the University has required the former Vice President to successfully complete PE 1515: Introduction to Handgun Safety before being cleared to speak. “With all of the…
CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the article I clicked on,” said…
STATLER AUDITORIUM — Speaking to the Cornell community later today, conservative politician Rick Santorum is expected to announce that he is immediately halting his 2020 campaign for President of the United States. Santorum’s announcement will follow a long, distinguished career of failed presidential campaigns. “Before this upcoming election cycle, I thought that my 2016 campaign…
Breathing a large sigh of relief, the Cornell community was glad to hear the Cornell Republicans’ votes will not count in the 2016 election after club endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. “It was touch and go for the past week, and we were sure this announcement was going to endorse Trump, but it’s so much…
