Eureka! Cornell Republicans Successfully Construct 3rd Woman To Complete Group Photos

BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week.

“As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with or listening to women is our worst nightmare. That’s why this invention is so ingenious. Why attempt to make our group more welcoming to the female gender when we could just build an ideal woman to make our group photos look better.” When asked what their ideal woman looks like, one of the two “human” women in Cornell Republicans began to speak. She was quickly cut off by another male member of the group.

“The problem with women these days is that they talk way too much, and they never have anything important to say. That’s why our woman is only programmed to say things like ‘I agree with you,’ ‘wow your muscles are so big,’ and ‘I would never leave you like your bitch ex-girlfriend from 7^th grade,’” said the mad scientist of the group Alex Christianson ‘26.

The features don’t end there, as the Cornell Republicans explained that Real_Woman_1 can change her height to never be taller than any Republican man at any given moment. She will also perform wifely duties like cooking, cleaning, and calling you “mommy’s special boy.”

Unfortunately, like most Republican victories, this one was short lived. Just hours after Real_Woman_1’s first breaths, she managed to get her hands on feminist literature.

“Next time, we will make sure to remove all access to history, art, literature, and science. Real_Woman_2 will never be taught to read or critically think,” explained a saddened Alex Christianson.